On Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights

Oh hey there.

So since September I have been trying to read Wuthering Heights.

I find it to be the most tedious and, well, shit book ever.

I have started it so many times in my life and normally only get a chapter or two in before I throw it away and scream “FUCK YOU, EMILY BRONTE! GET A LIFE.”

There’s just something about it. It is written well enough, most of the characters are pretty well fleshed out and it has some really evocative descriptions. I just can’t stand the arrogance of it.

Every second sentence I just picture Emily Bronte writing and either chuckling to herself

“Ah ha ha! I am so brilliant and dark!”

Or, someone has just upset her in real life so she makes characters randomly beat each other up/die.

“NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. LIFE IS PAIN. TIME TO DIE, CATHY.”

It’s literally like, 19th Century fan fiction and she is the Mary Sue (see below post for definition) that is Nelly. Some servant bitch who somehow is all fantastic and everyone loves her and she gets away with the most ridiculous things BECAUSE SHE IS RIGHT IN THE LONG RUN.

So yeah, the book makes me pretty mad, BUT, I have found a way to make it fucking amazing. With the help of Kate Bush.

1. Every time they say “Wuthering Heights” sing “WUTHERING, WUTHERING, WUTHERING HEIGHTS”
2. Heathcliffe is always read as “HEEEAAAAATHCLIFFFFFFE” and you have to imagine the Kate Bush dance, especially the movement she does while singing his name that looks like “The Crane” from the Karate Kid
3. Cathy/Catherine is always mentally read as a really high pitched squeaky Kate Bush singing voice
4. Moor/s is always read as “wiley, windy, moors”
5. Nelly is renamed to “woah, Nelly”.

Fuck yeah. Instant amazing novel.

Also I have this mug:

My friend, Demelza put it perfectly:

“You can’t pick Pride and Prejudice or an AMAZING novel because the other classics will get jealous. If you pick Wuthering Heights then they’ll understand that it’s a big joke and won’t be mad.”

So fucking badass.

PS: I am now halfway through! I am so fucking butch it hurts.