On Football Part II

Hello! It’s currently Round 3 in the 2011 AFL season. Excite.

I thought this would be a suitable time to talk about my changing perspectives of various teams, AND add Gold Coast into the mix. Since I last posted Gold Coast now have their logo, colours, players and team song. Let the judging begin.

Here’s my old team hierarchy:

There are categories and then lists in the categories, (this is basically how my head works). So, for example, the gap between Carlton and Richmond is much bigger than Adelaide and Carlton. CONFUSED YET?
ANYWAY, HERE IS THE LIST (CAN CHANGE IF PLAYERS ARE DICKHEADS, MICHAEL JOHNSON)

2010 LIST

1. The boganest and most amazing team ever
   Geelong Cats
2. The teams that are awesome and many people that I know like
   Fremantle Dockers (mum’s/Ben’s/most of my amazing friends’ team)
   Adelaide Crows (relatives’ team/where my family is from)
   Carlton Blues (dad’s team/where I was born)
3. The “non-dickhead Victorian teams”
   Richmond Tigers
   Melbourne Demons
   Essendon Bombers
4. The “I’m indifferent” teams
   North Melbourne Kangaroos
   Brisbane Lions
5. The “teams that I just don’t like for different reasons, even if they are really OK”
   Hawthorn Hawks (2008 – you fuckers)
   Western Bulldogs (My family seems to think they’re no better than Collingwood so that’s rubbed off a bit)
   Sydney Swans (mostly indifferent but I just hate Sydney)
   St Kilda Saints (the main threat to Geelong plus I just don’t like them and I don’t know why)
6. The “the main rivals to group #2“
   West Coast Eagles (I don’t really mind them but my brother and sister go for them and it’s fun to create sibling rivalry so I’m going to put them down here)
   Port Adelaide Power (A fucking joke/booo!)
7. The scum of the world
   Collingwood Magpies (fucking die)

NB: When the new teams come I am anticipating that Gold Coast will be in indifferent, unless they start winning because Freo needs a few flags first, and Greater Western Sydney will be in the new “I don’t like you because you’re from Sydney” category (which will be a new sub-group of #5 for the two NSW teams).

Quite a lot has changed since then. Let’s see what’s going on now:

2011 LIST

1. The boganest and most amazing team ever
   Geelong Cats
2. The teams that are awesome
   Fremantle Dockers
   Carlton Blues (spot pending kicking out Chris Judd because he’s a fucking tool)
3. The “non-dickhead Victorian teams” that you can’t really hate
   Richmond Tigers
   Melbourne Demons
   Essendon Bombers
   North Melbourne Kangaroos (Promoted!)
4. LIMBO
   Western Bulldogs (promoted! I have overcome my prejudices but still don’t know where they stand)
   Adelaide Crows (mega-demoted but I can’t bring myself to hate them yet).
   Port Adelaide Power (mega-promoted but I don’t know if I can put them above Adelaide yet)
5. The teams that I just don’t like for different reasons, even if they are really OK I guess
   Gold Coast Suns (They have a stupid name, song and colours and their rugby players are douches)
   Brisbane Lions (demoted and I don’t know why. I just do not like them)
   Sydney Swans (They are from Sydney)
6. The druggies, rapists, wife-beaters and fuckheads
   Hawthorn Hawks (demoted because I hate them even more for 2008 now and Buddy makes me want to punch babies)
   St Kilda Rapists Saints (demoted for being rapists)
   West Coast Eagles (fuck they make me so fucking mad)
7. Ew.
   Collingwood Magpies 

    

So the main changes are to the Adelaide teams. Port Adelaide are starting to make me think of the SA version of Fremantle and Adelaide the SA Eagles. This loses a fuck ton of points for Crows and gives a lot to Port.

BUT. Port still have stupid colours, a retarded name, a fucking terrible song and some d-bag players.

We’ll see what the future brings.

On Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights

Oh hey there.

So since September I have been trying to read Wuthering Heights.

I find it to be the most tedious and, well, shit book ever.

I have started it so many times in my life and normally only get a chapter or two in before I throw it away and scream “FUCK YOU, EMILY BRONTE! GET A LIFE.”

There’s just something about it. It is written well enough, most of the characters are pretty well fleshed out and it has some really evocative descriptions. I just can’t stand the arrogance of it.

Every second sentence I just picture Emily Bronte writing and either chuckling to herself

“Ah ha ha! I am so brilliant and dark!”

Or, someone has just upset her in real life so she makes characters randomly beat each other up/die.

“NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. LIFE IS PAIN. TIME TO DIE, CATHY.”

It’s literally like, 19th Century fan fiction and she is the Mary Sue (see below post for definition) that is Nelly. Some servant bitch who somehow is all fantastic and everyone loves her and she gets away with the most ridiculous things BECAUSE SHE IS RIGHT IN THE LONG RUN.

So yeah, the book makes me pretty mad, BUT, I have found a way to make it fucking amazing. With the help of Kate Bush.

1. Every time they say “Wuthering Heights” sing “WUTHERING, WUTHERING, WUTHERING HEIGHTS”
2. Heathcliffe is always read as “HEEEAAAAATHCLIFFFFFFE” and you have to imagine the Kate Bush dance, especially the movement she does while singing his name that looks like “The Crane” from the Karate Kid
3. Cathy/Catherine is always mentally read as a really high pitched squeaky Kate Bush singing voice
4. Moor/s is always read as “wiley, windy, moors”
5. Nelly is renamed to “woah, Nelly”.

Fuck yeah. Instant amazing novel.

Also I have this mug:

My friend, Demelza put it perfectly:

“You can’t pick Pride and Prejudice or an AMAZING novel because the other classics will get jealous. If you pick Wuthering Heights then they’ll understand that it’s a big joke and won’t be mad.”

So fucking badass.

PS: I am now halfway through! I am so fucking butch it hurts.

Imaginary photo album

Captions from photos that Alia took last weekend. I’m writing the captions from memory of some photos and you get to be intrigued by their content until she uploads them.

• WHAT AM I DRINKING AGAIN?
• I FUCKING GUESS
• WTF! MY FRIEND IS A GAY BAR?
• SHE’S GOT A GUN
• BENT
• I DON’T WANT HIM TAKING THE PHOTO, WE’LL CATCH UNATTRACTIVENESS
• HUNG OVER CRACK ADDICTS LIKE SOUP
• MY GAY BAR RESEMBLES A DYKE
• ABBAWORLD
• BATMOBILE
• I AM OLD AND THEREFORE NOT IMMATURE AND THEREFORE DON’T REALISE THE SEMEN JOKE.
• FUCK YEAH, SPORT!
• CLONES AT THE FOOTBALL
• INFLATABLE ROADKILL
• TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE
• IT’S NOT WORTH IT, MATE
• I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR MOUTH COULD OPEN THAT WIDE
• NACHO TACO?
• THAT IS ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE AS MY…
• CHOW DOWN, WHORE

Part of my kindof hopes that you take it upon yourselves to draw “photos” and submit them for comparisons to the real ones. If it helps they all involve me and/or the following people:

1. A foxy, butch, bossy, bitch (I’m in denial about her not being a lesbian)
2. A mature, sensible person who always questions why he is hanging out with dickheads and gays and APPARENT non-lesbians
3. A male model if you imagine that instead of being emaciated and posing for advertisements he drinks lots of beer and plays video games.

NB: WE ARE EITHER DRUNK OR HUNGOVER ALWAYS.

NB: OK MAYBE A COUPLE ARE JUST OF FUNNY SHIT AND NOT OF US

The end. Thanks for pretending to care about me and my friends.

You can close this tab now.

On Butch Part Two: The Sequel.

This is simply a list of things, people and characters that are butch. In no particular order and with glaring omissions based on what funny shit I could think of in 5 minutes.

• Coffee
• Brian Molko
• Aaron Sandilands
• Scarves
• Yoshi
• Shirley Manson
• Elizabeth Bennett
• Jimmy Bartel
• The Internet
• Facebook
• All the members of No Doubt except Gwen
• Darth Vader
• Tegan
• Converse
• Shane
• Emily Deschanel
• The A Wing Pilot that crashes into the Super Star Destroyer
• Sara
• Jenny
• Mary Shelley
• Dorian Grey
• Cameron Mooney
• Red Wine
• Burritos
• Pizza
• When that bitch falls down the stairs in Gone With The Wind
• “STEPH”.
• Milla Jovovich
• Merlin
• The Asian Y Wing Pilot who’s all “There’s… too many of them! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
• Scotch
• Zealots from Starcraft
• David Bowie’s crotch
• Beer
• Chewbacca
• Nachoes
• Jimmy Bartel
• Dolores O’Riordan
• Hydralisks from Starcraft
• Melquiades
• Bruce Willis
• Anyone named “Bruce”
• Ironically, NOT Butch Vig
• The rest of Garbage
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Jimmy Bartel
• Xena: Warrior Princess
• Gabrielle (season 4 onwards)
• Callisto
• Tiny Fey
• Roger the Alien
• Valerie from V for Vendetta
• Valerie from 90210
• Mean Girls
• Jesus Jimmy Bartel
• The Elder Scrolls
• Lady Gaga
• Susan Sto Heilit or however you spell it DEATH’S GRANDDAUGHTER
• Jane Austen
• Kenzaburō Ōe
• Gao Xingjian
• Elfride Jelinek
• Doris Lessing
• Whoever just googled all those people
• That one Alien in AvP that actually behaves like the canonically established Aliens and not some pussy bughut piece of crap.
• Michael Barlow (possibly “butchest teenager ever”)
• Willow
• Buffy
• Tara
• Not Warren
• Anya
• Whoever is actually reading this list
• Obama
• Julia Gillard
• The perverted scientist in The Fifth Element
• RUBY ROSE. ALMOST AS BUTCH AS RIPLEY. HOLY FUCK.
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Elizabeth Swan (first movie only!)
• Virginia Woolf
• Joel Selwood
• Nobody who likes any of the Bronte Sisters
• Except, ironically, the Bronte Sisters.
• Alanis
• Especially the butchest song ever written: “You Oughta Know”
• Roast pumpkin and savoury cheese
• Tank.
• Girl.

THE END THANKS FOR WASTING YOUR 5 MINUTES <3

On “Butch”, or, The “Butchest” Movies Ever

The history of “Butch”.

So in the long autumn of 2009 there was a production by the name of Lit By Limelight: The Story of a Little Tin Soldier and it pretty much ran my life from February to June of that year.

Within this production there developed, between the backstage crew (who didn’t have a hell of a lot to do during rehearsal except paint things) some inside jokes. One of them was “Butch”. For about a year I knew, in my heart and in my head what I meant when I called someone this new butch. It did not specifically mean a large, lesbian on a motorbike with or without a mustache. It was simply a positive thing, they were awesome, they were possibly slightly masculine but not in a testosterone loving way.

The other day I re-watched, for the seven billionth time, what is possibly my favourite movie ever made:

Alien (1979)

For those of you who do not know Alien, this post is basically the biggest spoiler on the planet. Note that it spoils horror/action movies so it’s not such a big deal. Also notice the date of the movie. IF you haven’t seen it then I doubt you care enough about it being spoiled. Anyway, it features Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley, a Lieutenant on a space miner rig thing. By lieutenant it is important to note that the generally accepted cannon in Science Fiction is to treat space craft  and their occupants in a similar way to real world ships. So there are captains and officers and such but they are still civilians. They have absolutely no military training unless it is their hobby. It is not Ripley’s hobby.

Anyway after an emergency signal from some creepy desolate planet, a strange, parasitic creature latches onto one of the crew’s faces. Ripley, (who is in charge of the ship because the captain was one of the people on the planet), is the only person smart enough to refuse to let the landing crew back on board with an unknown alien being (the technical term for this is ‘xenomorph’).

“WHY DON’T YOU TRUST ME?

There is a mutiny of sorts (plot involved!) and the infected crew member, the captain and that bitch, Lambert, are let back on board.

Then everyone dies.

“LOL, YOU’RE FUCKED.”

Except Ripley. Who blows the fucker out of an airlock (Guess which one she is).

In Aliens she does things like charge into a nest of the creatures (the same creatures that have just slaughtered an entire squad of trained, experienced marines). She does this to save a young girl (Newt) who may very well be dead. It’s like a 50/50 chance. She goes in anyway, despite having only been taught how to use guns properly about an hour ago. Then she uses gaff (the god of tapes) to attach TWO guns to each other. Also she has a fuckton of grenades.

Screenshot from the film Aliens. © 20th Century Fox

Note! Her haircut makes her look like a lesbian and thus the ‘traditional’ interpretation of butch but it is from the 1980s, when everyone dressed like massive fags. So it is OK. You should see Vasquez if you want a lesbian.

Hudson: “Hey Vasquez have you ever been mistaken for a man?”
Vasquez: “No. Have you?”

ANYWAY! BACK TO RIPLEY. I LEFT YOU AT A CLIFFHANGER.

After charging into the nest and kicking the shit out of the Aliens within (we never doubted you!), the Queen gets pissed off and rips the only other able-bodied, “adult” survivor to pieces. Then heads for Newt, who is so totally next. Until.

“Get away from her, you BITCH!”

Ripley charges at the Alien queen head on in what is essentially a forklift.

Big deal? Why is that so great?

THIS is the Alien queen:

Screenshot from the film Aliens. © 20th Century Fox

Who’s seriously going to fuck with that thing? Ripley. That’s fucking who. Nobody else would last half a second, let alone yell insults at/taunt the thing. (AvP DOESN’T. COUNT. THE PREDATOR ESSENTIALLY DOES ALL THE WORK.)

PS: Ripley is the only survivor again. Yup. The young girl dies. That’s how butch Ripley is. She defies the laws of Hollywood which states that children will inexplicably live just because every tragic circumstance needs a symbol of hope. Bullshit. If there are Aliens around then every child is fucked straight away. Pretty much the only thing AvP 2 did right.

This brings us to the next, epic, installment of the series. ALIEN 3. AKA Ellen Ripley is simultaneously Jesus, Mary and a skinhead. Also she kicks just as much arse as before WITHOUT EVER HOLDING A GUN (OR REALLY ANY SORT OF WEAPON).

Ripley has an alien inside her; she is pregnant without having sex. OK she does have sex in the movie but it doesn’t put the alien inside her. Anyway she’s fucked now. She knows that it is a queen and everything will die if it gets out. Also there is no way to stop it from getting out. Also there is another Alien on the loose anyway. This one is the dog version. The previous ones were human (OK maybe the queen came from the space jockey, it’s unclear). You know how in zombie movies it is the zombie dogs that are the scariest because they are the natural predators. Imagine the natural-est predatory animal you can and then times it by another natural predator. That’s essentially what the alien dog is.

Guess what happens? Ripley kills it. Of course. How, you ask me, even though you know what happens in the movie or you wouldn’t be reading the spoilers. SHE SUBMERGES IT COMPLETELY IN MOLTEN LEAD AND THEN MAKES IT EXPLODE BY SPRAYING IT WITH COLD WATER WHEN IT JUMPS OUT OF THE LEAD AT HER.

“SCIENCE. IT WORKS, BITCHES!”

Right then, in order to deal with the alien queen that is inside her, Ripley dives into the molten lead herself (or the furnace that she threw Newt and Hicks’ carcasses in? It isn’t quite clear… POINT IS: TEN BILLION DEGREES). That’s right. Ripley died for us. She died for all of us. That queen nearly got to Earth.

Oh guess what. The Alien burst out of her chest before it was incinerated by the fire. Oh snap! Nice try, Ripley, we still love you but I guess it got away after all.

WRONG.

She fucking grabs it and drags it down to the firey death with her.

Let’s channel the movie “Speed” for a second…

POP QUIZ! ONE OF THESE, THE SIZE OF A HUMAN BABY, BURSTS OUT OF YOUR CHEST. WHAT DO YOU DO?

1. Die horribly because something the size of a human baby just burst through your ribcage AFTER you’ve exhausted yourself running and climbing.

2. Have the reflexes and skill to grab and hold something that has enough force and speed to burst through your ribcage.

PS: If you are not Ripley, option 2 is not available to you.

IN CONCLUSION.

When I say “butch” I do not mean some lesbian and/or tomboy with short hair, muscles and attitude but that does not mean that those attributes are excluded. Often, butch people will have these qualities, making the description twice as valid. When I say “butch” I mean “Ripley-esque”. Or even “Sigourney Weaver-esque”.