On Butch Part Two: The Sequel.

This is simply a list of things, people and characters that are butch. In no particular order and with glaring omissions based on what funny shit I could think of in 5 minutes.

• Coffee
• Brian Molko
• Aaron Sandilands
• Scarves
• Yoshi
• Shirley Manson
• Elizabeth Bennett
• Jimmy Bartel
• The Internet
• Facebook
• All the members of No Doubt except Gwen
• Darth Vader
• Tegan
• Converse
• Shane
• Emily Deschanel
• The A Wing Pilot that crashes into the Super Star Destroyer
• Sara
• Jenny
• Mary Shelley
• Dorian Grey
• Cameron Mooney
• Red Wine
• Burritos
• Pizza
• When that bitch falls down the stairs in Gone With The Wind
• “STEPH”.
• Milla Jovovich
• Merlin
• The Asian Y Wing Pilot who’s all “There’s… too many of them! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
• Scotch
• Zealots from Starcraft
• David Bowie’s crotch
• Beer
• Chewbacca
• Nachoes
• Jimmy Bartel
• Dolores O’Riordan
• Hydralisks from Starcraft
• Melquiades
• Bruce Willis
• Anyone named “Bruce”
• Ironically, NOT Butch Vig
• The rest of Garbage
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Jimmy Bartel
• Xena: Warrior Princess
• Gabrielle (season 4 onwards)
• Callisto
• Tiny Fey
• Roger the Alien
• Valerie from V for Vendetta
• Valerie from 90210
• Mean Girls
• Jesus Jimmy Bartel
• The Elder Scrolls
• Lady Gaga
• Susan Sto Heilit or however you spell it DEATH’S GRANDDAUGHTER
• Jane Austen
• Kenzaburō Ōe
• Gao Xingjian
• Elfride Jelinek
• Doris Lessing
• Whoever just googled all those people
• That one Alien in AvP that actually behaves like the canonically established Aliens and not some pussy bughut piece of crap.
• Michael Barlow (possibly “butchest teenager ever”)
• Willow
• Buffy
• Tara
• Not Warren
• Anya
• Whoever is actually reading this list
• Obama
• Julia Gillard
• The perverted scientist in The Fifth Element
• RUBY ROSE. ALMOST AS BUTCH AS RIPLEY. HOLY FUCK.
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Elizabeth Swan (first movie only!)
• Virginia Woolf
• Joel Selwood
• Nobody who likes any of the Bronte Sisters
• Except, ironically, the Bronte Sisters.
• Alanis
• Especially the butchest song ever written: “You Oughta Know”
• Roast pumpkin and savoury cheese
• Tank.
• Girl.

THE END THANKS FOR WASTING YOUR 5 MINUTES <3

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #004b (Fashion)

Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there, sorry.

So what’s up, guys? How are you all feeling? I notice that you are not wearing all black, and if you think that you are then I can assure you that it isn’t black enough. However, it is obvious that you are trying so I can give you some leniency…

some.

I know you are all DYING to hear my next hot pretentious artist tip but (!), before we move on, we still need to discuss the other parts of outfits that are supposedly also important. I am so bad at this clothing game. I am that person who only wears converse and basically only shops at butch places like Tarocash and Dangerfield and basically buys everything that is black or flanno from these places. Unfortunately, not everyone is gifted with the ability to pull off being a BAMF so naturally, so some of you guys actually have to try/think about fashion. I will do what I can to help you.

First of all, you should have your own unique style that is the same as everyone else by now (from the links in the previous post about this topic), now you just need to learn how to be ridiculously pretentious with hats and scarves and gloves and shoes and belts and the like.

Tip #1

Always wear belts if you are wearing pants.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT CERTAIN HOT JEANS .etc ARE DESIGNED TO NOT WEAR BELTS.

This is not cool. Belts are like pretentious armour. Even if you do not NEED them because your pants are perfect, they just sit there DARING people to try to get your sex. Not wearing a belt means that you are a street-walking hooker, asking for ANYONE to rip your pants off. Belts make it look as if you have goods that NOBODY is allowed to touch because they are just not as attractive or as creative.

PS: Colourful belts allow you to express emotions while still wearing black. Just do not overdo it or you will look like some tryhard emo skater punk loser.

PSPS: Wear cord belts and gtfo my blog.

Tip #2

Shoes should reflect your individuality and therefore should be boots, vans or converse.

Nobody wants mainsteam shoes from places like non-converse stores. They are boring and don’t come with the variety you need in order to express yourself properly. Shoes are the one place where you are allowed to be colourful because people will already know you are serious about being an Artist by the brand that you are wearing.

Protip: Unique laces such as those found at the converse store, OR rainbows are even better.

Protip2: It is a rare secret that I am sharing with you but MIXING converse and/or vans varieties is 100% guaranteed to make you look artistic.

Tip #3:

Scarves are awesome.

Wear them everywhere BUT around your neck like all the common people do. Wear them around your head! Wear them around your wrist! Wear them hanging from your back pocket like you mean business. BEST YET WEAR THEM AS BELTS!

When people see you wearing a scarf as a BELT they will be so blown away by your creativity that they will probably give you money.

Tip #4

Wear unique jewelery like lightning bolts and hilarious animals instead of studs and hoops. ALSO get strange places pierced that nobody else knows how to pronouce so you can be like OH HAI JUST GOT MY SEPTUM PIERCED and watch as everyone around you tries to subtly google “wtf is a septum”.

Protip: Random accessories that are black and metallic are not cool or arty even though they look shiny and awesome.

I HOPE THIS HELPS, EVERYONE! REMEMBER, IF IN DOUBT, NEVER TAKE ANY RISKS BECAUSE YOU MIGHT LOOK LIKE A FREAK TO A STRANGER FOR 10 SECONDS!!

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #004a – Fashion (clothes)

So ‘fashion’ is a pretty big topic, yes. So I have broken it down to subcategories. Most probably because I am so bad at fashion that I will need multiple days to think up more hilarious observations unique, hot, adjective tips. So today’s post is about the clothing that will allow you to appear to be a pretentious artist, so no accessories or shoes or hats or scarves or anything just: shirt, pants, dress, leggings (OH GOD THE LEGGINGS, NEVER TAKE THESE OFF), skirt .etc.

Firstly, artist clothes are IDENTICAL to hipster clothes with one IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE. To make the transition easier, I will describe buying hipster clothes and then tell you all about the difference in extra credit, just because it might be a major step and take some gradual adjusting.

SO LET’S GET STARTED, EVERYONE!!!

Most notably, all your clothes are now going to come from shopping here:

SATAN

or the British (therefore cooler, because obviously commercialism (something every pretentious artist hates except for Apple) is distinctly a US invention and the British Empire never existed, they just drink tea and do awesome indie things) version (with TWO CATEGORIES!):

GIRLS WHO ARE RIDICULOUSLY EMACIATED (PS: PLEASE EAT!) OR GAYS WHO THINK THAT THEY ARE FAT (PS: YOU ARE NOT).

(PSPSPS: I wonder how I could possibly know that these stores exist… I love you. Really. Please don’t hurt me.)

DO NO LISTEN TO THE “THRIFT STORE” OR “OP SHOP” MYTH!! Second hand clothes are GROSS! You want to pay $100 for clothes that LOOK second hand but are still nice and new.

NB: Lie and say that they are from these places to add to your cred.

The best part about these stores is that they do all the work for you. Someone simply goes to the Oxford English Dictionary word of the day and uses that word to create a “new collection”. This new collection looks exactly the same as everything else, but in “beige” and “smoke” instead of light brown and gray. Except the difference is that they actually have a bunch of dragons, collectively known as the “awesome pattern dragons”, that vomit unique patterns on the clothes in varying degrees of magnitude. How awesome is that?

NB: The dragons’ unique patterns are limited to stripes, polka dots, swallows, hearts, skulls, cherries, anchors, houndstooth and check.

Ok so once all of your clothes arrive, throw out all of your old ones and apply for automatic profit to your look!

That’s all there is to it! It’s so easy!! You think all these internet “quick fixes” are scams? THIS ONE ACTUALLY WORKS!

EXTRA CREDIT:

Ok.

Are you ready for the final step?

…

.

Dress. Only. In. Black.

Shop at the same places but only buy/wear the black articles. Even better! Shop at the place made entirely for this purpose!

BETTER THAN HEAVEN + SEX + DRAGONS + UNICORNS + TANK GIRL COMBINED!

Even though you’re not backstage crew, black is the colour for you.

Black is the most evocative and artist colour that there is.

White is a blank canvas, unlimited potential but no actual art, yet.

BLACK IS THE OPPOSITE. BLACK IS ALL ART. BLACK IS SO CREATIVE THAT IT IS ACTUALLY INSANE.

NB: This is different from being “emo” or “gothic” or whatever.

Get rid of all your colourful shit, no real artist would be seen dead looking CHEERFUL. You’re supposed to be depressed because nobody comprehends your style or your creative passions and ideas. Fucking plebians. Get off my blog.