On Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights

Oh hey there.

So since September I have been trying to read Wuthering Heights.

I find it to be the most tedious and, well, shit book ever.

I have started it so many times in my life and normally only get a chapter or two in before I throw it away and scream “FUCK YOU, EMILY BRONTE! GET A LIFE.”

There’s just something about it. It is written well enough, most of the characters are pretty well fleshed out and it has some really evocative descriptions. I just can’t stand the arrogance of it.

Every second sentence I just picture Emily Bronte writing and either chuckling to herself

“Ah ha ha! I am so brilliant and dark!”

Or, someone has just upset her in real life so she makes characters randomly beat each other up/die.

“NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. LIFE IS PAIN. TIME TO DIE, CATHY.”

It’s literally like, 19th Century fan fiction and she is the Mary Sue (see below post for definition) that is Nelly. Some servant bitch who somehow is all fantastic and everyone loves her and she gets away with the most ridiculous things BECAUSE SHE IS RIGHT IN THE LONG RUN.

So yeah, the book makes me pretty mad, BUT, I have found a way to make it fucking amazing. With the help of Kate Bush.

1. Every time they say “Wuthering Heights” sing “WUTHERING, WUTHERING, WUTHERING HEIGHTS”
2. Heathcliffe is always read as “HEEEAAAAATHCLIFFFFFFE” and you have to imagine the Kate Bush dance, especially the movement she does while singing his name that looks like “The Crane” from the Karate Kid
3. Cathy/Catherine is always mentally read as a really high pitched squeaky Kate Bush singing voice
4. Moor/s is always read as “wiley, windy, moors”
5. Nelly is renamed to “woah, Nelly”.

Fuck yeah. Instant amazing novel.

Also I have this mug:

My friend, Demelza put it perfectly:

“You can’t pick Pride and Prejudice or an AMAZING novel because the other classics will get jealous. If you pick Wuthering Heights then they’ll understand that it’s a big joke and won’t be mad.”

So fucking badass.

PS: I am now halfway through! I am so fucking butch it hurts.

On why you don’t fuck with Elizabeth Bennet

Greetings whatever readers I have left.

It sure has been a while.

A strange thing happened to me a few days ago and it inspired me to start writing again. A somewhat insignificant event that has cascaded through my attitude to everything. Like the monkeys in A Space Odyssey, something slowly dawned and then led me to some crazy murderous robot and the meaning of the universe.

I forgot what it is that I love to do because I was too caught up in making sure I didn’t die. I betrayed the Little Prince. I started counting the stars that I owned for the sole purpose of knowing how many belonged to me and how many more I could have.

Upon realising this I kept trying to force myself to write again. It never happened until now.

What I did do was read a blog by a successful, modern author who is rather controversial. I am not naming this author because I do not want to make this personal. I don’t want this to be “this woman is shit and her books are crap”. Instead I wanted to examine why I do not like books that I have never read and never intend to and why characters that I have never experienced irritate me.

When I completed reading this woman’s blog I could only think of one thing to say:

“Bitch, please!”

What this author had done was compare her characters to some literary giants and made hers out to be the better. I may not like all the characters she undercut but they are still good characters. Wuthering Height’s Heathcliffe is pretty fucking amazingly complex even if he is a jerk who only knows how to rage. Romeo is a fucking tool and Juliet started out so promising but then she stabs herself for no reason (sorry forgot the spoiler alert, hope I haven’t given it away to anybody). Even so, there’s something about their parts that give me goosebumps when they are done right. The characters are perfect.

Bitch even dared touch Elizabeth Bennet.

GIRL DID NOT GO THERE.

You do not fucking try to compare anything or anyone to the Elizabeth Bennet.

Remember how we all hate/hated Kiera Knightley so much for butchering the role? She didn’t. I am sure if I watch the movie again now I will actually like it. It’s because our standards were way too high to be upheld twice in 20 years and Jennifer Ehle already smashed her (and Colin Firth smashed Mr Darcy).

I love how I’m deflecting my opinion onto everyone.

Anyway. Enough about amazing characters. On to shit ones.

If people are unaware of what a Mary Stu is, in general terms, it’s a character that’s  essentially a projection of the author’s self twisted into their dreams (an anti-sue is an amalgamation of their fears).

The characters will typically be described as well liked except by people who are obvious antagonists (and who are usually jealous) and they always seem to end up being right. They have no flaws, or their flaws are endearing or beneficial

For example:

Being clumsy (flaw).

Being clumsy at times when it’s hilarious because “oh that character’s always SO CLUMSY LOL” – endearing (no longer a real flaw)

Being stubborn (flaw).

Always being right so being stubborn means that even when it’s annoying, it is OK because you end up being right and everyone loves you and your stubborn nature (no longer a real flaw).

In the shall-remain-nameless work mentioned above, the main character is a typical Mary Sue.

If one of the character’s flaws is “she’s unattractive” she should not be named something that basically (both literally and evocatively) means “beautiful woman”.

If one of the character’s flaws is “they are clingy and love too much” they should not be given a relationship early on with another character who’s flaws are “I am too beautiful and it’s a curse and I am clingy and love too much”.

What the fuck even is that?

Where is there even room for character growth?

Having a modern day woman pine after her man and want to kill herself if something would happen to him is not a good image to portray. Not even Catherine was that fucking idiotic, especially not considering the period setting of Wuthering Heights.

Modern books that I may not necessarily have liked, such as the end few novels in the Harry Potter series, still have amazing, strong characters that have a sense of purpose (although some of the newer or minor ones became a bit stagnant they were still all pretty good).

The best example would be young Hermione in Harry Potter. She’s about 17 when the boy she loves leaves and she doesn’t mope around or kill herself. She simply says “oh this is shit but there’s more important things to worry about here”.

I guess the whole misogynist Mary Sue shit is my main issue, not having read the terrible literature in question. I can’t really comment further because of this but I have one final thing to say in the hopes that people who read this idiot’s blog will now learn something.

Sense and Sensibility was not about Marianne Dashwood ending up with Willoughby. If this upsets you please re-read the novel.

Wuthering Heights was not just about Heathcliffe and Cathy being together (or how “evil” Heathcliffe is). I’m trying to grasp this and the novel now and it is hard but I will get there.

Romeo and Juliet is not about the two of them ending up together, or even being “in love”. It’s actually about the fleetingness of life and the pointlessness of love. Please see a theatre production next time it rolls into your town. Even an art house one would work because it would make the themes are lot more obvious and depressing.

Pride and Prejudice is certainly not just about Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy ending up together, even though they do. The ending is probably my least favourite part. You HAVE to read her rejection of Mr Colins. So fucking incredible.

So to try to destroy classic literature, liked or not, by saying “my characters are better because they would kill themselves if the other died” is not a healthy thing to say and certainly not a healthy theme to have circulating to young adults.

This is why when people tell me what books they like and a certain series crops up, I judge them. It’s because they not only helped contribute to the death of modern, young adult literature (especially the sci-fi and fantasy genres) which has been amazing for so long, they have contributed to a poison which is now starting to have repercussions in our classic literary past. That is a fucking shame.

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #002 – “The Classics”

So you want to be a Pretentious Artist and you have the coffee thing down perfectly, but every time you open your mouth people realise that you are full of shit!

OH NO!!

Do not worry my loyal followship (HOLY FUCK! GOOGLE TELLS ME THAT “FOLLOWSHIP” IS ACTUALLY A WORD AND IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF LEADERSHIP. I CALL BULLSHIT.)

OK inventing words will be tip #003. Shutup, me, and get back to#002.

OH NO!!

Do not worry my loyal followship, for this blog shall teach you the importance of pretending you know “The Classics”.

“What the fuck is “The Classics?”, I hear you ask!

“Firstly, you mean ‘What the fuck ARE “The Classics”?’, for there are more than one of them. If I said “Literary Canon” then it would be appropriate to say “is”.”, I reply, bitterly adding, “The Classics, ARE really anything from a long time ago that enough people who are really good at being pretentious artists claim are perfect examples of literature.”

So back in A BETTER TIME, there was something called the “Literary Canon” and it was full of works that Literary Theorists (PS: I called myself a Literary Theorist on my business card. How cool am I? Oh yeah…) said were AMAZING and ONLY THE STUFF ON THAT LIST WAS “WORTH STUDYING”, EVERYONE!! Now, thanks to post-modernism/post-post-modernism (which, by the way, is so cliche and boring) there is no such thing as a literary canon. Instead, there are multiple literary canons which can stretch to include basically everything because remember everything can be awesome, creative and arty (Tip #004, stay tuned). IN OTHER WORDS THEY KILLED THE LITERARY CANON! FUCKING MURDERERS. SHIT LIKE THIS IS WHY TWILIGHT EXISTS.

Fortunately, all the Pretentious Artists REALISED that obviously there ARE actually amazing old pieces of literature that everybody needs to think is perfect, like Auden, Pope, Austen, Woolf, Shakespeare, Eliot, Wilde, Euripedes, and not anything by any of the Brontes (except maybe Jane Eyre), .etc and they are now called “The Classics”. Except this term is also highly debatable and probably just as irrelevant as ‘canon’ because postmodernism is a pain in the arse.

ANYWAY back story for all you plebeians who didn’t study Literature out of the way, we can now talk about how this knowledge can help you become a Pretentious Artist.

First step. Every time you meet someone new, give them a literary compliment.

“OhmyGAWD that dress is SO ‘Fanny Price’!” (From Mansfield Park! Cute and nice and classy)
“Dude you are SUCH a ‘Mr Darcy’!” (There’s an easier one for you losers <3)

Second step. Every time you hate someone, insult them with literature SO THEY DON’T KNOW!

“Wow you are such a Maria Bertram!” (spoilt bitch!)

“Dude, your girlfriend’s a TOTAL Lydia Bennet.” (slutty jailbait!)

“I feel as if you think you’re Dorian Gray.” (Hottest person ever who sleeps with everyone)

Third step. Hate “Wuthering Heights” so much that you probably talk about it the most.

“UGH. It’s just like “RAGE”, “DIE”, “ANGST”, “I’M COLD”
“Yeah but Kate Bush!”

“Woooowowowowowowowowow Kate Bush!”
“HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAATHHHCLIFF!”

PS: Kate Bush’s song “Wuthering Heights” is pretty much the unparalleled master of this entire post’s content.

Fourth Step: Put this knowledge into practise with you arty projects.

If you are a musician, write a song about a piece of literature!

If you are an artist, do a piece based on literature!

If you are a writer, reference your favourite literature frequently!

If you are a screen producer, do a TV show about a lesbian warrior princess who’s companion is A BARD who encounters all sorts of ancient classical writers!!

EXTRA CREDIT TIPS:

• You don’t have to ACTUALLY READ/SEE THEATRE, if you are too busy! THERE ARE SCREEN VERSIONS OF HEAPS AND HEAPS AND HEAPS OF EXAMPLES CLASSIC LITERATURE (NOT TO MENTION THAT EVERY NOW AND THEN SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY AMAZING)!
• You can JUST PRETEND! Most Pretentious Artists do it (but they call it acting). So when you’re out and want to impress important people drop the handful of references that you know, then STEAL references that you have heard other people make. IT WILL LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE READ “HEART OF DARKNESS” AFTER ALL. (NBNBNB: This leaves more time for doing “plebeian activities” that you really love like “watch Buffy” or “Play Zelda”.)