Imaginary photo album

Captions from photos that Alia took last weekend. I’m writing the captions from memory of some photos and you get to be intrigued by their content until she uploads them.

• WHAT AM I DRINKING AGAIN?
• I FUCKING GUESS
• WTF! MY FRIEND IS A GAY BAR?
• SHE’S GOT A GUN
• BENT
• I DON’T WANT HIM TAKING THE PHOTO, WE’LL CATCH UNATTRACTIVENESS
• HUNG OVER CRACK ADDICTS LIKE SOUP
• MY GAY BAR RESEMBLES A DYKE
• ABBAWORLD
• BATMOBILE
• I AM OLD AND THEREFORE NOT IMMATURE AND THEREFORE DON’T REALISE THE SEMEN JOKE.
• FUCK YEAH, SPORT!
• CLONES AT THE FOOTBALL
• INFLATABLE ROADKILL
• TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE
• IT’S NOT WORTH IT, MATE
• I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR MOUTH COULD OPEN THAT WIDE
• NACHO TACO?
• THAT IS ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE AS MY…
• CHOW DOWN, WHORE

Part of my kindof hopes that you take it upon yourselves to draw “photos” and submit them for comparisons to the real ones. If it helps they all involve me and/or the following people:

1. A foxy, butch, bossy, bitch (I’m in denial about her not being a lesbian)
2. A mature, sensible person who always questions why he is hanging out with dickheads and gays and APPARENT non-lesbians
3. A male model if you imagine that instead of being emaciated and posing for advertisements he drinks lots of beer and plays video games.

NB: WE ARE EITHER DRUNK OR HUNGOVER ALWAYS.

NB: OK MAYBE A COUPLE ARE JUST OF FUNNY SHIT AND NOT OF US

The end. Thanks for pretending to care about me and my friends.

You can close this tab now.

On Butch Part Two: The Sequel.

This is simply a list of things, people and characters that are butch. In no particular order and with glaring omissions based on what funny shit I could think of in 5 minutes.

• Coffee
• Brian Molko
• Aaron Sandilands
• Scarves
• Yoshi
• Shirley Manson
• Elizabeth Bennett
• Jimmy Bartel
• The Internet
• Facebook
• All the members of No Doubt except Gwen
• Darth Vader
• Tegan
• Converse
• Shane
• Emily Deschanel
• The A Wing Pilot that crashes into the Super Star Destroyer
• Sara
• Jenny
• Mary Shelley
• Dorian Grey
• Cameron Mooney
• Red Wine
• Burritos
• Pizza
• When that bitch falls down the stairs in Gone With The Wind
• “STEPH”.
• Milla Jovovich
• Merlin
• The Asian Y Wing Pilot who’s all “There’s… too many of them! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
• Scotch
• Zealots from Starcraft
• David Bowie’s crotch
• Beer
• Chewbacca
• Nachoes
• Jimmy Bartel
• Dolores O’Riordan
• Hydralisks from Starcraft
• Melquiades
• Bruce Willis
• Anyone named “Bruce”
• Ironically, NOT Butch Vig
• The rest of Garbage
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Jimmy Bartel
• Xena: Warrior Princess
• Gabrielle (season 4 onwards)
• Callisto
• Tiny Fey
• Roger the Alien
• Valerie from V for Vendetta
• Valerie from 90210
• Mean Girls
• Jesus Jimmy Bartel
• The Elder Scrolls
• Lady Gaga
• Susan Sto Heilit or however you spell it DEATH’S GRANDDAUGHTER
• Jane Austen
• Kenzaburō Ōe
• Gao Xingjian
• Elfride Jelinek
• Doris Lessing
• Whoever just googled all those people
• That one Alien in AvP that actually behaves like the canonically established Aliens and not some pussy bughut piece of crap.
• Michael Barlow (possibly “butchest teenager ever”)
• Willow
• Buffy
• Tara
• Not Warren
• Anya
• Whoever is actually reading this list
• Obama
• Julia Gillard
• The perverted scientist in The Fifth Element
• RUBY ROSE. ALMOST AS BUTCH AS RIPLEY. HOLY FUCK.
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Elizabeth Swan (first movie only!)
• Virginia Woolf
• Joel Selwood
• Nobody who likes any of the Bronte Sisters
• Except, ironically, the Bronte Sisters.
• Alanis
• Especially the butchest song ever written: “You Oughta Know”
• Roast pumpkin and savoury cheese
• Tank.
• Girl.

THE END THANKS FOR WASTING YOUR 5 MINUTES <3

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #004b (Fashion)

Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there, sorry.

So what’s up, guys? How are you all feeling? I notice that you are not wearing all black, and if you think that you are then I can assure you that it isn’t black enough. However, it is obvious that you are trying so I can give you some leniency…

some.

I know you are all DYING to hear my next hot pretentious artist tip but (!), before we move on, we still need to discuss the other parts of outfits that are supposedly also important. I am so bad at this clothing game. I am that person who only wears converse and basically only shops at butch places like Tarocash and Dangerfield and basically buys everything that is black or flanno from these places. Unfortunately, not everyone is gifted with the ability to pull off being a BAMF so naturally, so some of you guys actually have to try/think about fashion. I will do what I can to help you.

First of all, you should have your own unique style that is the same as everyone else by now (from the links in the previous post about this topic), now you just need to learn how to be ridiculously pretentious with hats and scarves and gloves and shoes and belts and the like.

Tip #1

Always wear belts if you are wearing pants.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT CERTAIN HOT JEANS .etc ARE DESIGNED TO NOT WEAR BELTS.

This is not cool. Belts are like pretentious armour. Even if you do not NEED them because your pants are perfect, they just sit there DARING people to try to get your sex. Not wearing a belt means that you are a street-walking hooker, asking for ANYONE to rip your pants off. Belts make it look as if you have goods that NOBODY is allowed to touch because they are just not as attractive or as creative.

PS: Colourful belts allow you to express emotions while still wearing black. Just do not overdo it or you will look like some tryhard emo skater punk loser.

PSPS: Wear cord belts and gtfo my blog.

Tip #2

Shoes should reflect your individuality and therefore should be boots, vans or converse.

Nobody wants mainsteam shoes from places like non-converse stores. They are boring and don’t come with the variety you need in order to express yourself properly. Shoes are the one place where you are allowed to be colourful because people will already know you are serious about being an Artist by the brand that you are wearing.

Protip: Unique laces such as those found at the converse store, OR rainbows are even better.

Protip2: It is a rare secret that I am sharing with you but MIXING converse and/or vans varieties is 100% guaranteed to make you look artistic.

Tip #3:

Scarves are awesome.

Wear them everywhere BUT around your neck like all the common people do. Wear them around your head! Wear them around your wrist! Wear them hanging from your back pocket like you mean business. BEST YET WEAR THEM AS BELTS!

When people see you wearing a scarf as a BELT they will be so blown away by your creativity that they will probably give you money.

Tip #4

Wear unique jewelery like lightning bolts and hilarious animals instead of studs and hoops. ALSO get strange places pierced that nobody else knows how to pronouce so you can be like OH HAI JUST GOT MY SEPTUM PIERCED and watch as everyone around you tries to subtly google “wtf is a septum”.

Protip: Random accessories that are black and metallic are not cool or arty even though they look shiny and awesome.

I HOPE THIS HELPS, EVERYONE! REMEMBER, IF IN DOUBT, NEVER TAKE ANY RISKS BECAUSE YOU MIGHT LOOK LIKE A FREAK TO A STRANGER FOR 10 SECONDS!!

On Actually Amazing Tegan and Sara vs Adorable Awkwardness and Superfluous Adjectives

Greetings to all my lovely readers!

So I saw Tegan and Sara again last night. They are probably the most enjoyable artists to see live (maybe Amanda Palmer beats them). They’re so fucking amazing.

The reason for this isn’t necessarily their musical talent and amazing songs (although I was totally singing along to every word), it is because of their banter. They are famous in indie/lesbian/hipster lesbian (aka the only lesbian that seems to actually exist these days) circles for their hilariousness and ability to make the entire audience seem like their best friends. Sometimes they will play a 3 minute song but introduce it with a story that lasts 5-10 minutes, also usually it actually has nothing to do with the song but they relate it in a quirky, turnaround way.

My actual hobby, no joke (do not laugh at me!), is looking up youtube videos of their banter and not actually listening to the songs unless they are rare tracks or old songs or whatever.

Anyway not only did last night not disappoint, it actually inspired this fucking blog because of the overarching topic of the night – how fucking awkward they are.

Sara: “Tonight’s going to get really awkward.”

Tegan: “I have this disability where I put way too many adjectives in front of a word… and now I wish I didn’t say anything.”

“You know that awkwardness we mentioned earlier? This is it… the tip of the tidal wave”

Yes.

So fucking true.

Who DOESN’T awkwardly gush when trying to talk about something they’re passionate about?

I’m pretty sure everyone has a moment (I have at least one per day) where they’re like “oh god I sounded like a complete, unintelligible, simpleminded, crazy, freaky moron. OH GOD MORE UNNECESSARY ADJECTIVES. OH GOD.”

TANGENT: What’s funny is 95% of the people who are like this are the intellectual ones, meaning they don’t believe in God. YET THEY STILL SAY, “OH GOD”.

As an anthropologist I find “survivals” fascinating. The celebration of Christmas in secular circles, the name of the month “August”. The fact that our entire calendar and every historical date that you remember is based on Jesus. Crazy. WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVOURITES, EVERYONE?

Anyway, given that awkwardness and incoherence is basically the OPPOSITE of successfully pulling off the appearance of a pretentious artist, this post is kind of a “how NOT to be a pretentious artist” or more of a “how to avoid looking like a moron”.

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT I CAN’T TEACH YOU BECAUSE I TOTALLY DON’T KNOW HOW. I FREQUENTLY APPEAR TO BE A MORON, EVEN THOUGH I’M APPARENTLY WELL EDUCATED!!

My life would be so fucking amazing if I could be coherent at the times when I really need to be.

Hey, this relates the Tegan and Sara song “On Directing” which is basically “I suck and I’m awkward but I really just want to say this one thing to you but I can’t because I’m a moron”.

How’s that for a nice wrap up?

Wow this post was short.

I feel like I owe you something.

Well…

Um…

.

.

.

.

…

.

well that’s awkward.

…

I’m going to stop writing now and press “publish” before I kill myself.

PS: Tegan.

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #003 – Inventing Words

Oh hey kids.

So today’s lesson involves tricking people into thinking that you are intelligent.

NB: POLITICIANS AND LAWYERS COULD ALSO LEARN FROM THIS POST!!

“HOW IS THIS DONE?” You ask.
“WOULD YOU FUCKING JUST LET ME TALK AND STOP INTERRUPTING, THEN YOU’LL FIND OUT!” I scream back at you from another room in the house.

So inventing words is totally easy and foolproof. There are several reasons for this:

1) Everyone else in your circle Pretartists (1) also invents words and has already tricked you into thinking they are intelligent.

2) People will not realise that you have INVENTED the word, they’ll just assume it isn’t in their minisculopic (2) vocabulary.

3) People use  fancy words when they should use other words because they sound similaristic (3) (simple/simplistic is the best example)

Using these points as a guideline, ALL SORTS OF AMAZING WORDS CAN BE INVENTED

(This sheds even more confusion onto the issue of why I always use the word “amazing”, however, I have been known to say “amazong” at times, because there are so many amazing things associated with that word, both in the river sense (Amazon Molly the all femalesbian (4) fish) and the mythic Amazon women (who were also clearly lesbians) best represented in Seasons 1-4 (they got pussy in 5 and 6) of Xena Warrior Princess)

Key to inventing words:

1) Make sure they APPEAR to be similaristic (5)

2) Any word that ends in an “r” or “l” or “g” sound can be suffixiated (6) with “istic”. Any word that ends in a “c” or “x” sound (because we all know that these are the same actual letter) or even a “g” sound can be appended with “iated” or “atory”. The terrible “isation” can be added onto almost anything. Once you have mastered these basic suffixes, you can pretty much put any suffix on any word if you think about it hard enough. (That last sentence may need to be moved to extra credit because the lawyers/politicians do not know how to think. Decision pending on the group’s average marks in this section)

3) Inventing compound words is oftentimes fun. NB: Oftentimes is actually a word but nobody actually uses it anymore except REALLY wanky people. (<3 you D and A). Even better, bastardisations of compound words. Some of these have become mainstream or the “canon” term in fan circles. “Frenemy”, “Brangelina”, “Merthur” .etc

4) Do not invent a word if there is already a more simplistic solution, such as inventing new MEANINGS for words

And therein you have it.

EXTRA CREDIT:

When people challenge you on words, if that ever happens, DENY EVERYTHING. This only works if you have only SAID the word. Do not try to bluff out of it by challenging them to use a dictionary because artistic people are jealous, backstabbing and petty bitches.

Actually, pretend to be offended (lesson 004) by the sheeristic (7) notion that you do not have a 100% perfect grasp on English.

Inventing words sometimes leads to words that actually ARE words but you just didn’t know it! Someone has beaten you to the (figure of speech)!

WHEN THIS HAPPENS USE THAT WORD AS MUCH AS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE AND MORE.

See you soon everyone!!

How To Be A Pretentious Artist #002 – “The Classics”

So you want to be a Pretentious Artist and you have the coffee thing down perfectly, but every time you open your mouth people realise that you are full of shit!

OH NO!!

Do not worry my loyal followship (HOLY FUCK! GOOGLE TELLS ME THAT “FOLLOWSHIP” IS ACTUALLY A WORD AND IT IS THE OPPOSITE OF LEADERSHIP. I CALL BULLSHIT.)

OK inventing words will be tip #003. Shutup, me, and get back to#002.

OH NO!!

Do not worry my loyal followship, for this blog shall teach you the importance of pretending you know “The Classics”.

“What the fuck is “The Classics?”, I hear you ask!

“Firstly, you mean ‘What the fuck ARE “The Classics”?’, for there are more than one of them. If I said “Literary Canon” then it would be appropriate to say “is”.”, I reply, bitterly adding, “The Classics, ARE really anything from a long time ago that enough people who are really good at being pretentious artists claim are perfect examples of literature.”

So back in A BETTER TIME, there was something called the “Literary Canon” and it was full of works that Literary Theorists (PS: I called myself a Literary Theorist on my business card. How cool am I? Oh yeah…) said were AMAZING and ONLY THE STUFF ON THAT LIST WAS “WORTH STUDYING”, EVERYONE!! Now, thanks to post-modernism/post-post-modernism (which, by the way, is so cliche and boring) there is no such thing as a literary canon. Instead, there are multiple literary canons which can stretch to include basically everything because remember everything can be awesome, creative and arty (Tip #004, stay tuned). IN OTHER WORDS THEY KILLED THE LITERARY CANON! FUCKING MURDERERS. SHIT LIKE THIS IS WHY TWILIGHT EXISTS.

Fortunately, all the Pretentious Artists REALISED that obviously there ARE actually amazing old pieces of literature that everybody needs to think is perfect, like Auden, Pope, Austen, Woolf, Shakespeare, Eliot, Wilde, Euripedes, and not anything by any of the Brontes (except maybe Jane Eyre), .etc and they are now called “The Classics”. Except this term is also highly debatable and probably just as irrelevant as ‘canon’ because postmodernism is a pain in the arse.

ANYWAY back story for all you plebeians who didn’t study Literature out of the way, we can now talk about how this knowledge can help you become a Pretentious Artist.

First step. Every time you meet someone new, give them a literary compliment.

“OhmyGAWD that dress is SO ‘Fanny Price’!” (From Mansfield Park! Cute and nice and classy)
“Dude you are SUCH a ‘Mr Darcy’!” (There’s an easier one for you losers <3)

Second step. Every time you hate someone, insult them with literature SO THEY DON’T KNOW!

“Wow you are such a Maria Bertram!” (spoilt bitch!)

“Dude, your girlfriend’s a TOTAL Lydia Bennet.” (slutty jailbait!)

“I feel as if you think you’re Dorian Gray.” (Hottest person ever who sleeps with everyone)

Third step. Hate “Wuthering Heights” so much that you probably talk about it the most.

“UGH. It’s just like “RAGE”, “DIE”, “ANGST”, “I’M COLD”
“Yeah but Kate Bush!”

“Woooowowowowowowowowow Kate Bush!”
“HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAATHHHCLIFF!”

PS: Kate Bush’s song “Wuthering Heights” is pretty much the unparalleled master of this entire post’s content.

Fourth Step: Put this knowledge into practise with you arty projects.

If you are a musician, write a song about a piece of literature!

If you are an artist, do a piece based on literature!

If you are a writer, reference your favourite literature frequently!

If you are a screen producer, do a TV show about a lesbian warrior princess who’s companion is A BARD who encounters all sorts of ancient classical writers!!

EXTRA CREDIT TIPS:

• You don’t have to ACTUALLY READ/SEE THEATRE, if you are too busy! THERE ARE SCREEN VERSIONS OF HEAPS AND HEAPS AND HEAPS OF EXAMPLES CLASSIC LITERATURE (NOT TO MENTION THAT EVERY NOW AND THEN SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY AMAZING)!
• You can JUST PRETEND! Most Pretentious Artists do it (but they call it acting). So when you’re out and want to impress important people drop the handful of references that you know, then STEAL references that you have heard other people make. IT WILL LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE READ “HEART OF DARKNESS” AFTER ALL. (NBNBNB: This leaves more time for doing “plebeian activities” that you really love like “watch Buffy” or “Play Zelda”.)

Top 10 Favourite Female Characters (The TV Character Blog)

So I have looked at my favourite TV shows of all time and have agonised over my favourite characters while, you know, looking for places to live and for jobs. There should be 4 blogs in total (5 characters a day). Any show that has finished its final season includes major spoilers and there probably will be spoilers in the others, too. You’ve been warned (SOF MAJOR BUFFY SPOILERS IN THE FIRST CHARACTER ON THE LIST) While I’ve said “top 10″ and have favourites. They are all pretty amazing characters for various reasons. So pretty much they have equal standing on the list (that is why I’m starting at #1 and I’m dividing men and women instead of doing a mixed 20). Also I haven’t read this through so please tell me if there is shit in here that is wrong or doesn’t make sense. (For example, I just realised that I was referring to both Sailor Uranus and Neptune as just Neptune).

PS: I have not included any images because I have no idea which ones are under acceptable creative commons which ones are not.

Here you go!! Please enjoy and tell me if you agree!

(Warning! If you are playing the “amazing” drinking game, you are fucked.)

#1 Willow Rosenburg (Alyson Hannigan) – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

The awesome, really awkward geek from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. She starts out being adorably “normal” (socially uncool and no special powers) in Season 1, starts dabbling with witchcraft is Season 2, is a full blown mega-witch by Season 5 and turns into the “big bad” in Season 6 after the murder of her girlfriend Tara (who narrowly missed this list). Then she practically becomes a goddess in Season 7 after becoming good again. Her development and torment (both as a young girl growing into maturity and as being one of the most powerful wielders of magic in history) are really fleshed out and Hannigan really proves how good an actress she is in this role (despite shit like Date Movie and American Pie). Willow is easily my favourite character in the show and clinches number 1 because she’s equally funny, cool, hot and geeky.

#2 Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel) – Bones

Holy fuck. Bones. Holy fuck. What can you say about the title character of what is possibly the best sciencey-crimey-dramay show of all time? Her character is similar to Willow in that she’s geeky and hilariously awkward but there are so many other instances that just make you fall in love with her. Deschanel is fucking perfect in this role and convinces us that she’s as mega-intelligent as her character (I’m sure she’s not stupid but she says in the DVD extras that half the time she only has a vague idea of what her character says in the science parts). While the show also has Angela Montenegro (also just missing this list) to make it fucking amazing, it is Brennan and her crazy hyper-rationality that makes Bones my favourite show ever made.

#3 Michiru Kaioh/Sailor Neptune (Masako Katsuki) – Sailor Moon

The hilariously stereotypical yet somehow amazing femme lesbian (her lover, Haruka/Uranus is so stereotypically butch that it is painful, yet fucking awesome. She’s a world class racing car driver that everybody thinks is a boy and she likes it that way…). Michiru is about 17 when we first meet her and is a world renowned violin virtuoso and incredibly talented fine artist who is also one of the fastest swimmers alive and most intelligent people in the show (in her age bracket at least). Her dedication to being a soldier is possibly the strongest of all the characters and her serenity and awesome mystical powers of prophesy make her both enjoyable to watch and a mysteriously enjoyable character. However there is also a complexity as she is torn between what she wants and the good of the world. Neptune and Uranus come across as antagonistic, rarely helping and threatening to kill almost every character for the greater good even if it is one of their friends. However Michiru and Haruka and generally more friendly to the other characters and offer advice and support in a hilariously patronising kind of way (if you were that perfect at everything, you would be like this too).

#4 Jenny Schecter (Mia Kirshner) – The L Word

Oh Jenny. The trauma, the hysterics. My favourite character on the show because she is such a deliciously annoying bitch. She thinks that she is hot shit (and she is hot shit) but she goes from being the innocent, cute girl who’s just come out and having to deal with the consequences in Season 1 to some kind of malevolent force of pure evil in the final season. Along the way she captures my heart as both the cutesy one and the ice queen bitch. While I often have a debate with Aleesha Re: Helena being the best character. I think that Jenny is far more fleshed out and enjoyable, even if you love to hate her or think she’s annoying. Mia Kirshner pulls off this character so fucking well. The ice queen bitch queen of all ice queen bitches.

#5 Callisto/Eve (Hudson Leick/Adrienne Wilkinson) – Xena Warrior Princess

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. The best Xena villain ever (Ares is more complicated than plain villain.). She’s as good as Xena at everything, has the ability to catch and throw Xena’s Charkram, murders Gabrielle’s husband, becomes immortal AND becomes a goddess, breaks Xena’s spine (allowing Xena and Gabrielle to be captured and crucified) and then becomes pretty much satan. She is redeemed by Xena sacrificing her own soul and then is reincarnated as Eve (Xena and Gabrielle’s mysterious Jesus-like lovechild). Due to the events of Season 5, a good 30 years pass while Xena and Gabrielle and frozen in ice. This means that baby Eve can grow up into hot late twenties early thirthies Eve. Who obviously has become an evil puppet of the Roman Empire (she is named Livia in this phase as if the show is hinting that she was the Empress of Rome who married Augustus Caesar in the messed up Xenaverse history). After meeting Xena and becoming good again Livia returns to being Eve and becomes a total pacifist, refusing even to defend herself. Pretty much becoming Jesus, really and getting a fuckton less hot in the process. Obiviously Jesus-Eve is a lot more boring than Callisto but is was the only way to resolve the storyline as Callisto is also portrayed as a tragic victim of Xena’s past crimes. It is kind nice and there are ironies in that Xena murdered Callisto’s parents and Callisto murdered Xena’s son, then they became mother and daughter. The crazy psycho bitch who killed pretty much everyone and mindfucked the rest and thus is the greatest thing to ever happen to that show however, is the true reason behind Callisto’s placing on this list. Eve, however, does get points for being the only really fleshed out recurring character introduced post season 3 (Alti is inexplicibly evil just because she is. Yakut and Amarice were so very awesome but were revealed to have just died in one episode and then never mentioned after it concluded). Also remember Joxer? The annoying dumb comic relief guy who everyone hated? Eve (as Livia) kills him. Really brutally. It’s awesome and he doesn’t come back to life unlike everyone else who dies.

#6 Natsuki Kuga/Kruger (Saeko Chiba) – Mai Hime/Mai Otome

(Note: In the original post, this was a separate blog because it is MASSIVE. Simply because it is the one character that I doubt ANYBODY has heard of. Warning: This is very long)

Oh boy. Probably the most traumatic character in history. Natsuki is a magical girl (Hime) who rides a super-motorbike, can materialise guns at will and summon a giant mechanical dog with cannons on his back; her “child”, named Duran (Probably a reference to “Hungry like the Wolf”. In the manga it briefly becomes a a two headed dog named Duran Duran). Himes use the love for someone they know (their “key”) to obtain these powers. The death of the key will cause them to lose their powers, and if the child dies in battle, their key will disappear. Natsuki seems to only have one friend (Shizuru Fujino) at the start of the series but as a main character, she eventually befriends the other mains (Mai and Mikoto) and she’s generally the withdrawn, serious character whose running jokes include boys accidentally seeing her naked and how she seems to be able to manipulate Shizuru into doing almost anything for her. Natsuki is driven to take revenge on scientists who murdered her mother (they wanted to study Natsuki’s magical abilities and she believes her mother died trying to protect her). However, it is revealed that her mother was actually trying to sell her into science, not protect her. When Natsuki finds out she loses all her powers (suggesting that somehow, her mother was her “key” despite being dead). She falls into depression made worse because she can’t see Duran. She’s captured by her nemesis (Nao Yuki) in her weakened state but is eventually saved by Shizuru, who also turns out to be a Hime. This is where the real trauma starts (as if learning the one reason for you to exist was a lie and the one person who you thought loved you actually was trying to sell you into slavery/death for personal gain wasn’t traumatic). It turns out that Natsuki is Shizuru’s key. Natsuki is freaked out, but then she realises that someone actually loves her, so the world isn’t so bad. However by this stage, Shizuru has gone crazy because other characters demonise her for being a lesbian and Natsuki was initially harshly rejecting of Shizuru’s feelings. She kills two other Himes (Nao and a lesbo-hime who was spying on them) and the entire First District (the scientific organisation). Natsuki regains her powers and runs off to help Mai in the final fight. However, Shizuru misunderstands (because she’s gone crazy) and thinks that Natsuki is trying to escape so she attempts to kill Mai. Knowing that they are running out of time, Natsuki tells Mai to run off and save the world while she deals with Shizuru. Duran is summoned to fend off Kiyohime (Shizuru’s child, a giant squid-hydra monster thing). Duran appears as about 20 times his usual size because Natsuki finally realised her feelings and thus achieves her full power. Unfortunately Shizuru thinks that it is the hate Natsuki has for her, not love, that has returned her powers. Shizuru and Natsuki basically have mental breakdowns because they don’t want to fight each other but both think that they have to. Shizuru gets to upper hand, using her Voulge/chain thing to trap and hug Natsuki goodbye as she’s about to kill her. However, Natsuki kisses her and says that she is sorry that her life was dedicated to revenge and she couldn’t realise her feelings before it was too late. She tells Shizuru that she loves her, but she is too fucked up to have romantic emotions and that Shizuru’s feelings for her saved her from her depression and gave her life meaning again. Natsuki then tells Duran to blow himself and Kiyohime up, causing both of the girls to disappear in each others arms (because they are each others keys, if you forgot that part). I encourage everyone to watch this series and won’t spoil the final ending (These are only the events up until the last episode…

(There are some good youtube videos of the final fight between the girls)

In Mai Otome, the vaguely familiar alternate universe pseudo-sequel thing. Natsuki and Shizuru are established as being in an exclusive relationship. Nothing all that bad happens to them (compared to the above) and it is almost as though they are given the relationship that Mai Hime tore from them with it’s brutal, unforgiving claws.

#7 Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley) – Absolutely Fabulous (fuck that. It’s called Ab Fab).

Everyone.

Wants.

To.

Be.

Patsy.

This doesn’t mean that we want to be women or transgender or anything (although some of us may, whatever floats/lubes/wets your boat/tube/pet). It just means that everyone wants to be Patsy. Originally I had Karen Walker from Will and Grace in this position but then I realised that she is just a tame (slightly plagiarised?) version of Patsy. I could have both characters but that’s boring and would mean I would have less space to talk about lesbians in anime (Anyone notice that Natsuki and Michiru also LOOK rather similar, although Natsuki has more of Haruka’s personality). THERE I GO AGAIN TALKING ABOUT THE ANIME LESBIANS INSTEAD OF PATSY.

Those who do not know Ab Fab, or Patsy may be wondering why it is that they would want to be her (because you do, you just don’t know it yet). Let me explain, you doubtful few.

1. Patsy is an awesome alcoholic druggy middle aged woman.

The End.

“BIG DEAL!” you shout, “EVERYONE IS!” you scream.

No. There is only one, true, alcoholic. It is Patsy. Patsy probably drinks Karen Walker’s blood as an appetiser for her alcohol filled main course. She made being a classic, rich, drunken bitch the dream career choice for so many people. She made those of us who can only ingest something if it has a drug in it not feel alone. She is probably the funniest character ever to grace the TV.

If that doesn’t convince you, then look at this picture and be overcome. The rest of us already know and will joyously welcome you to the side of the enlightened.

PS: I fucking love Karen Walken/Megan Mullally but she’s just not Patsy.

#8 Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal) – Futurama

My favourite character in this epic, epic show (even those of you who hate the word epic must admit that Futurama deserves such a title). Why is she my favourite? Is it because deep down (slash also on the surface) I’m a big fat lesbian who instantly likes the butt-kicking female characters? Probably. Although if Zoidburg was more of a main character he’d probably clinch the #1 spot. Leela is amazing because of her one eye/mutant background. Despite the setting of a more egalitarian society (although it is still rather Patriarchal) the show pretty much uses her as a metaphor for women in our time struggling to succeed in a man’s word. Except replace “man” with “human” and “woman” with “mutant”. The challenges Leela faces both as basically the only female space captain/educated female on the show (except guest appearances and a couple of the Aliens), with her femininity (the “rivalry with Amy”) and with being a one eyed mutant freak are the most interesting stories and she has some great moments in the “funny” category, too (although not consistently the funniest character). She’s a great “straight man” (in the trope sense, setting up jokes for Bender and Fry. Actual “straight men” are pretty much the opposite of “gay women” and thus my least favourite thing ever) and it is through her that we are introduced to Nibbler and the Niblonians, whose appearances are some of the greatest parts of the show.

Plus it is great when she kicks people in the face.

#9 Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles) – Torchwood

Ahahahahaha. She’s Welsh. Gwen is “the new girl” the one that “we identify with” as she is introduced to the secret organisation and truth about aliens .etc at the same rate that we are. Normally I hate this character. Normally they’re stupid. Normally they’re annoying. Normally they aren’t Gwen Cooper. In the two main seasons she does ONE stupid thing (near the end of the second season) and it is deliberately put in because she was coming across as too perfect. This isn’t to say that she doesn’t have flaws and weaknesses, she does. She’s a perfectly rounded character. What she DOESN’T do is anything that makes us think “OH FUCKING HELL GWEN OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE A MOLE”. She makes honest mistakes, normally based around having compassion and a positive attitude. She cheats on her boyfriend (who kinda cops all kinds of shit) but it is for a justifiable reason (unless you’re one of those hyper-monogamy freaks who thinks all cheaters need to die). Gwen brings an interesting element to the show and is pretty adorable. She works well with the main characters and is almost the only character I can think of in a sci-fi scenario that pulls of benevolence and kickass without being either a crazy, a fanatic for their given cause or both or worse. Gwen proves that Torchwood is more than a massive HoYay! wankfest (although the show is pretty good for that, too). I wish every police officer was Gwen. Then the world would be a lot safer/sexier.

#10 Xena Warrior Princess (Lucy Lawless) – Xena Warrior Princess (fuck Hercules)

Yeah. Like I wasn’t going to put fucking Xena in. I wasted wisely spent many many many coffee fueled hours watching episode after episode of this show and it wasn’t because I was waiting for Callisto’s occasional AMAZING appearance. It was because Lucy Lawless is so. Fucking. Amazing. I could do a top 20 (with as much text per entry as this) of amazing things Xena does (future blog??). She’s just so. Fucking. Cool, guys!! The show is one of those that takes itself too seriously AND is a parody of itself at the same time. Things get mega cool for the actress as Lucy Lawless has about 10+ various characters within the series (and even more if you count the times Xena is under the influence of various spells/drugs/curses/A DAY IN THE LIFE (the best episode?)) and she is amazing every time. Lucy Lawless is a fucking amazing singer, too and the two musical episodes are basically carried by her (BTW the musical episodes. oh my god guys. The musical episodes. oh my god.).

However, the absolute highlight of this character didn’t even come from a Lucy Lawless performance. There’s one very very memorable episode that would be high on the list of showing people if you wanted to introduce the “classic” show (Seasons 1-3, before too much magic and time travel and Gabrielle as a kickass fighter and PreggoXena and rushed episodes and soulmate stuff happened).

Notice how I am building suspence because this is basically the last main part of this blog…

THERE IS AN ACTUAL EPISODE (I think even 2?) WHERE XENA AND CALLISTO SWAP BODIES SO HUDSON LEICK PLAYS XENA AND LUCY LAWLESS PLAYS CALLISTO AND IT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING.

The final list (if you forgot)

1 Willow Rosenburg (Lesbian)

2 Temperance Brennan

3 Sailor Neptune (Lesbian)

4 Jenny Schecter (Lesbian)

5 Callisto/Eve (Possibly/probably a Lesbian)

6 Natsuki Kuga (slash kindof Shizuru because I gushed out a massive post here) (Lesbian)

7 Patsy Stone

8 Turanga Leela

9 Gwen Cooper

10 Xena (Lesbian)

Obvious exclusions from the list:

TARA. (From Buffy)

Karen Walker (although I explained why)

Brenda Walsh from 90210 (so Bec doesn’t murder me)

I have not watched enough House or Gay’s Anatomy to feel justified in putting those characters in here. Otherwise Addison and Thirteen would totally be on the list.

Also Xena, Callisto but no Gabrielle? Can you even do that? Isn’t it against the laws of physics?

Yes, but I didn’t want 3/10 characters to be from Xena… boring! Same reason why I didn’t have Haruka/Sailor Uranus or Angela Montenegro (Bones) or Toshiko Sato (Torchwood).

STARBUCK? WHERE THE FUCK IS STARBUCK?

I know. I should have put her in. I really should have. I just haven’t quite finished Battlestar yet and what happens if she turns out to be a pussy mole? WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

Dr Helen Magnus? Amanda Tapping is amazing?

Yeah… but that show is a direct and blatant ripoff of Torchwood. I don’t care if it is “better” just because some people refuse to let Stargate die. Aleesha.

I could go on for some time with the list of exclusions, but that would detract from the 10 “winners”.

Anyway. Horray/HoYay. I have finished the women. Now onto the men. Who, lets face it, have a far larger selection pool than “alcoholic fabulous bitch, kickass lesbian, lesbian bitch, kickass bitch, kickass lesbian bitch”

PS: There are no more lesbians in the list, but there will be ladyboys who are nearly as good?