On Football Part II

Hello! It’s currently Round 3 in the 2011 AFL season. Excite.

I thought this would be a suitable time to talk about my changing perspectives of various teams, AND add Gold Coast into the mix. Since I last posted Gold Coast now have their logo, colours, players and team song. Let the judging begin.

Here’s my old team hierarchy:

There are categories and then lists in the categories, (this is basically how my head works). So, for example, the gap between Carlton and Richmond is much bigger than Adelaide and Carlton. CONFUSED YET?
ANYWAY, HERE IS THE LIST (CAN CHANGE IF PLAYERS ARE DICKHEADS, MICHAEL JOHNSON)

2010 LIST

1. The boganest and most amazing team ever
   Geelong Cats
2. The teams that are awesome and many people that I know like
   Fremantle Dockers (mum’s/Ben’s/most of my amazing friends’ team)
   Adelaide Crows (relatives’ team/where my family is from)
   Carlton Blues (dad’s team/where I was born)
3. The “non-dickhead Victorian teams”
   Richmond Tigers
   Melbourne Demons
   Essendon Bombers
4. The “I’m indifferent” teams
   North Melbourne Kangaroos
   Brisbane Lions
5. The “teams that I just don’t like for different reasons, even if they are really OK”
   Hawthorn Hawks (2008 – you fuckers)
   Western Bulldogs (My family seems to think they’re no better than Collingwood so that’s rubbed off a bit)
   Sydney Swans (mostly indifferent but I just hate Sydney)
   St Kilda Saints (the main threat to Geelong plus I just don’t like them and I don’t know why)
6. The “the main rivals to group #2“
   West Coast Eagles (I don’t really mind them but my brother and sister go for them and it’s fun to create sibling rivalry so I’m going to put them down here)
   Port Adelaide Power (A fucking joke/booo!)
7. The scum of the world
   Collingwood Magpies (fucking die)

NB: When the new teams come I am anticipating that Gold Coast will be in indifferent, unless they start winning because Freo needs a few flags first, and Greater Western Sydney will be in the new “I don’t like you because you’re from Sydney” category (which will be a new sub-group of #5 for the two NSW teams).

Quite a lot has changed since then. Let’s see what’s going on now:

2011 LIST

1. The boganest and most amazing team ever
   Geelong Cats
2. The teams that are awesome
   Fremantle Dockers
   Carlton Blues (spot pending kicking out Chris Judd because he’s a fucking tool)
3. The “non-dickhead Victorian teams” that you can’t really hate
   Richmond Tigers
   Melbourne Demons
   Essendon Bombers
   North Melbourne Kangaroos (Promoted!)
4. LIMBO
   Western Bulldogs (promoted! I have overcome my prejudices but still don’t know where they stand)
   Adelaide Crows (mega-demoted but I can’t bring myself to hate them yet).
   Port Adelaide Power (mega-promoted but I don’t know if I can put them above Adelaide yet)
5. The teams that I just don’t like for different reasons, even if they are really OK I guess
   Gold Coast Suns (They have a stupid name, song and colours and their rugby players are douches)
   Brisbane Lions (demoted and I don’t know why. I just do not like them)
   Sydney Swans (They are from Sydney)
6. The druggies, rapists, wife-beaters and fuckheads
   Hawthorn Hawks (demoted because I hate them even more for 2008 now and Buddy makes me want to punch babies)
   St Kilda Rapists Saints (demoted for being rapists)
   West Coast Eagles (fuck they make me so fucking mad)
7. Ew.
   Collingwood Magpies 

    

So the main changes are to the Adelaide teams. Port Adelaide are starting to make me think of the SA version of Fremantle and Adelaide the SA Eagles. This loses a fuck ton of points for Crows and gives a lot to Port.

BUT. Port still have stupid colours, a retarded name, a fucking terrible song and some d-bag players.

We’ll see what the future brings.

Imaginary photo album

Captions from photos that Alia took last weekend. I’m writing the captions from memory of some photos and you get to be intrigued by their content until she uploads them.

• WHAT AM I DRINKING AGAIN?
• I FUCKING GUESS
• WTF! MY FRIEND IS A GAY BAR?
• SHE’S GOT A GUN
• BENT
• I DON’T WANT HIM TAKING THE PHOTO, WE’LL CATCH UNATTRACTIVENESS
• HUNG OVER CRACK ADDICTS LIKE SOUP
• MY GAY BAR RESEMBLES A DYKE
• ABBAWORLD
• BATMOBILE
• I AM OLD AND THEREFORE NOT IMMATURE AND THEREFORE DON’T REALISE THE SEMEN JOKE.
• FUCK YEAH, SPORT!
• CLONES AT THE FOOTBALL
• INFLATABLE ROADKILL
• TAKE THAT, ASSHOLE
• IT’S NOT WORTH IT, MATE
• I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR MOUTH COULD OPEN THAT WIDE
• NACHO TACO?
• THAT IS ROUGHLY THE SAME SIZE AS MY…
• CHOW DOWN, WHORE

Part of my kindof hopes that you take it upon yourselves to draw “photos” and submit them for comparisons to the real ones. If it helps they all involve me and/or the following people:

1. A foxy, butch, bossy, bitch (I’m in denial about her not being a lesbian)
2. A mature, sensible person who always questions why he is hanging out with dickheads and gays and APPARENT non-lesbians
3. A male model if you imagine that instead of being emaciated and posing for advertisements he drinks lots of beer and plays video games.

NB: WE ARE EITHER DRUNK OR HUNGOVER ALWAYS.

NB: OK MAYBE A COUPLE ARE JUST OF FUNNY SHIT AND NOT OF US

The end. Thanks for pretending to care about me and my friends.

You can close this tab now.

On Butch Part Two: The Sequel.

This is simply a list of things, people and characters that are butch. In no particular order and with glaring omissions based on what funny shit I could think of in 5 minutes.

• Coffee
• Brian Molko
• Aaron Sandilands
• Scarves
• Yoshi
• Shirley Manson
• Elizabeth Bennett
• Jimmy Bartel
• The Internet
• Facebook
• All the members of No Doubt except Gwen
• Darth Vader
• Tegan
• Converse
• Shane
• Emily Deschanel
• The A Wing Pilot that crashes into the Super Star Destroyer
• Sara
• Jenny
• Mary Shelley
• Dorian Grey
• Cameron Mooney
• Red Wine
• Burritos
• Pizza
• When that bitch falls down the stairs in Gone With The Wind
• “STEPH”.
• Milla Jovovich
• Merlin
• The Asian Y Wing Pilot who’s all “There’s… too many of them! AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”
• Scotch
• Zealots from Starcraft
• David Bowie’s crotch
• Beer
• Chewbacca
• Nachoes
• Jimmy Bartel
• Dolores O’Riordan
• Hydralisks from Starcraft
• Melquiades
• Bruce Willis
• Anyone named “Bruce”
• Ironically, NOT Butch Vig
• The rest of Garbage
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Lucy Lawless
• Jimmy Bartel
• Xena: Warrior Princess
• Gabrielle (season 4 onwards)
• Callisto
• Tiny Fey
• Roger the Alien
• Valerie from V for Vendetta
• Valerie from 90210
• Mean Girls
• Jesus Jimmy Bartel
• The Elder Scrolls
• Lady Gaga
• Susan Sto Heilit or however you spell it DEATH’S GRANDDAUGHTER
• Jane Austen
• Kenzaburō Ōe
• Gao Xingjian
• Elfride Jelinek
• Doris Lessing
• Whoever just googled all those people
• That one Alien in AvP that actually behaves like the canonically established Aliens and not some pussy bughut piece of crap.
• Michael Barlow (possibly “butchest teenager ever”)
• Willow
• Buffy
• Tara
• Not Warren
• Anya
• Whoever is actually reading this list
• Obama
• Julia Gillard
• The perverted scientist in The Fifth Element
• RUBY ROSE. ALMOST AS BUTCH AS RIPLEY. HOLY FUCK.
• Captain Jack Sparrow
• Elizabeth Swan (first movie only!)
• Virginia Woolf
• Joel Selwood
• Nobody who likes any of the Bronte Sisters
• Except, ironically, the Bronte Sisters.
• Alanis
• Especially the butchest song ever written: “You Oughta Know”
• Roast pumpkin and savoury cheese
• Tank.
• Girl.

THE END THANKS FOR WASTING YOUR 5 MINUTES <3

On football and then music gigs

Long time, no update.

THE REASONS:

1. I couldn’t think of anything
2. Long weekend (hilarious, given I’m essentially a housewife, that ‘holidays’ are when I’m the busiest.)
3. I installed “Spore”

BUT DO NOT WORRY! FOR I HAVE FINALLY COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT!

You may remember, back a few lines, that I mentioned that it was a long weekend. Well, how about I tell you all about my long weekend?

Firstly, football (AFL to you foreigners/unbelievers, none of this rugby or soccer or grid iron shit… for now). If you do not care about sport skip to the big, bold block of text now.

My side has quite a few injuries, from pretty much every position imaginable (as in starting position in the sporting sense, you sick fucks.)

• Joel Corey (EPIC MIDFIELDER)
• Marcus Drum (Wait isn’t he a Fremantle player? Oh right hasn’t actually played for us yet…)
• Tom Hawkins (Really tall, pretty-boy forward! Now who’s hair will I laugh at?)
• Cameron Mooney (ROAR, Sad. Come backkkkkkkk)
• Steven Motlop (indefinite, fucking sad)
• Brad Ottens (our the amazing ruckman)
• Max Rooke (Did his knee. Fucking worst thing)
• Matthew Scarlett (The best defender in the competition, PERIOD). <== (and then a second period there for good measure).

Anyway DESPITE this, we still flogged Essendon because

1. Our rookies are amazing, even if one of them is actually pretty much the oldest member of the team
2. Jimmy Bartel is magic
3. The team is so fucking solid that they have replacements for the injuries so the only bad thing is that they are hurt, not that the team will also suffer.

Also Fremantle lost, which sucks. That reminds me to post my “football team hierarchy” (aka, the pecking order of teams that deserve my support)

There are categories and then lists in the categories, (this is basically how my head works). So, for example, the gap between Carlton and Richmond is much bigger than Adelaide and Carlton. CONFUSED YET?
ANYWAY, HERE IS THE LIST (CAN CHANGE IF PLAYERS ARE DICKHEADS, MICHAEL JOHNSON)

1. The boganest and most amazing team ever
   Geelong Cats
2. The teams that are awesome and many people that I know like
   Fremantle Dockers (mum’s/Ben’s/most of my amazing friends’ team)
   Adelaide Crows (relatives’ team/where my family is from)
   Carlton Blues (dad’s team/where I was born)
3. The “non-dickhead Victorian teams”
   Richmond Tigers
   Melbourne Demons
   Essendon Bombers
4. The “I’m indifferent” teams
   North Melbourne Kangaroos
   Brisbane Lions
5. The “teams that I just don’t like for different reasons, even if they are really OK”
   Hawthorn Hawks (2008 – you fuckers)
   Western Bulldogs (My family seems to think they’re no better than Collingwood so that’s rubbed off a bit)
   Sydney Swans (mostly indifferent but I just hate Sydney)
   St Kilda Saints (the main threat to Geelong plus I just don’t like them and I don’t know why)
6. The “the main rivals to group #2“
   West Coast Eagles (I don’t really mind them but my brother and sister go for them and it’s fun to create sibling rivalry so I’m going to put them down here)
   Port Adelaide Power (A fucking joke/booo!)
7. The scum of the world
   Collingwood Magpies (fucking die)

NB: When the new teams come I am anticipating that Gold Coast will be in indifferent, unless they start winning because Freo needs a few flags first, and Greater Western Sydney will be in the new “I don’t like you because you’re from Sydney” category (which will be a new sub-group of #5 for the two NSW teams).

*I HAVE STOPPED TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL NOW, IF PEOPLE WERE BORED/SKIPPINGTHAT BIT.*

So Saturday night was my first review job in Melbourne. I say job but I didn’t get paid, if anyone was wondering, but that does not matter/wasn’t why I’m doing it.

It was for the band “Cassette Kids” and I slightly toned my style down (just a bit!) because I wanted to make sure that everyone in Melbourne knows that I can actually write seriously when I try.

Here’s a shiny link!

I won’t bother repeating myself too much (count those 700 words as part of this blog so my comeback post seems long!) but it was really fun and Bec was doing photos (for fasterlouder, so they are here instead: 

http://www.fasterlouder.com.au/gallery/16802/Cassette-Kids.htm

(there’s a photo of me in there!)

I think that’s all for now. This was mostly about football but if you also read my review/looked at Bec’s photos then it will appear be bigger.