So I have looked at my favourite TV shows of all time and have agonised over my favourite characters while, you know, looking for places to live and for jobs. There should be 4 blogs in total (5 characters a day). Any show that has finished its final season includes major spoilers and there probably will be spoilers in the others, too. You’ve been warned (SOF MAJOR BUFFY SPOILERS IN THE FIRST CHARACTER ON THE LIST) While I’ve said “top 10″ and have favourites. They are all pretty amazing characters for various reasons. So pretty much they have equal standing on the list (that is why I’m starting at #1 and I’m dividing men and women instead of doing a mixed 20). Also I haven’t read this through so please tell me if there is shit in here that is wrong or doesn’t make sense. (For example, I just realised that I was referring to both Sailor Uranus and Neptune as just Neptune).
PS: I have not included any images because I have no idea which ones are under acceptable creative commons which ones are not.
Here you go!! Please enjoy and tell me if you agree!
(Warning! If you are playing the “amazing” drinking game, you are fucked.)
#1 Willow Rosenburg (Alyson Hannigan) – Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The awesome, really awkward geek from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. She starts out being adorably “normal” (socially uncool and no special powers) in Season 1, starts dabbling with witchcraft is Season 2, is a full blown mega-witch by Season 5 and turns into the “big bad” in Season 6 after the murder of her girlfriend Tara (who narrowly missed this list). Then she practically becomes a goddess in Season 7 after becoming good again. Her development and torment (both as a young girl growing into maturity and as being one of the most powerful wielders of magic in history) are really fleshed out and Hannigan really proves how good an actress she is in this role (despite shit like Date Movie and American Pie). Willow is easily my favourite character in the show and clinches number 1 because she’s equally funny, cool, hot and geeky.
#2 Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan (Emily Deschanel) – Bones
Holy fuck. Bones. Holy fuck. What can you say about the title character of what is possibly the best sciencey-crimey-dramay show of all time? Her character is similar to Willow in that she’s geeky and hilariously awkward but there are so many other instances that just make you fall in love with her. Deschanel is fucking perfect in this role and convinces us that she’s as mega-intelligent as her character (I’m sure she’s not stupid but she says in the DVD extras that half the time she only has a vague idea of what her character says in the science parts). While the show also has Angela Montenegro (also just missing this list) to make it fucking amazing, it is Brennan and her crazy hyper-rationality that makes Bones my favourite show ever made.
#3 Michiru Kaioh/Sailor Neptune (Masako Katsuki) – Sailor Moon
The hilariously stereotypical yet somehow amazing femme lesbian (her lover, Haruka/Uranus is so stereotypically butch that it is painful, yet fucking awesome. She’s a world class racing car driver that everybody thinks is a boy and she likes it that way…). Michiru is about 17 when we first meet her and is a world renowned violin virtuoso and incredibly talented fine artist who is also one of the fastest swimmers alive and most intelligent people in the show (in her age bracket at least). Her dedication to being a soldier is possibly the strongest of all the characters and her serenity and awesome mystical powers of prophesy make her both enjoyable to watch and a mysteriously enjoyable character. However there is also a complexity as she is torn between what she wants and the good of the world. Neptune and Uranus come across as antagonistic, rarely helping and threatening to kill almost every character for the greater good even if it is one of their friends. However Michiru and Haruka and generally more friendly to the other characters and offer advice and support in a hilariously patronising kind of way (if you were that perfect at everything, you would be like this too).
#4 Jenny Schecter (Mia Kirshner) – The L Word
Oh Jenny. The trauma, the hysterics. My favourite character on the show because she is such a deliciously annoying bitch. She thinks that she is hot shit (and she is hot shit) but she goes from being the innocent, cute girl who’s just come out and having to deal with the consequences in Season 1 to some kind of malevolent force of pure evil in the final season. Along the way she captures my heart as both the cutesy one and the ice queen bitch. While I often have a debate with Aleesha Re: Helena being the best character. I think that Jenny is far more fleshed out and enjoyable, even if you love to hate her or think she’s annoying. Mia Kirshner pulls off this character so fucking well. The ice queen bitch queen of all ice queen bitches.
#5 Callisto/Eve (Hudson Leick/Adrienne Wilkinson) – Xena Warrior Princess
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. The best Xena villain ever (Ares is more complicated than plain villain.). She’s as good as Xena at everything, has the ability to catch and throw Xena’s Charkram, murders Gabrielle’s husband, becomes immortal AND becomes a goddess, breaks Xena’s spine (allowing Xena and Gabrielle to be captured and crucified) and then becomes pretty much satan. She is redeemed by Xena sacrificing her own soul and then is reincarnated as Eve (Xena and Gabrielle’s mysterious Jesus-like lovechild). Due to the events of Season 5, a good 30 years pass while Xena and Gabrielle and frozen in ice. This means that baby Eve can grow up into hot late twenties early thirthies Eve. Who obviously has become an evil puppet of the Roman Empire (she is named Livia in this phase as if the show is hinting that she was the Empress of Rome who married Augustus Caesar in the messed up Xenaverse history). After meeting Xena and becoming good again Livia returns to being Eve and becomes a total pacifist, refusing even to defend herself. Pretty much becoming Jesus, really and getting a fuckton less hot in the process. Obiviously Jesus-Eve is a lot more boring than Callisto but is was the only way to resolve the storyline as Callisto is also portrayed as a tragic victim of Xena’s past crimes. It is kind nice and there are ironies in that Xena murdered Callisto’s parents and Callisto murdered Xena’s son, then they became mother and daughter. The crazy psycho bitch who killed pretty much everyone and mindfucked the rest and thus is the greatest thing to ever happen to that show however, is the true reason behind Callisto’s placing on this list. Eve, however, does get points for being the only really fleshed out recurring character introduced post season 3 (Alti is inexplicibly evil just because she is. Yakut and Amarice were so very awesome but were revealed to have just died in one episode and then never mentioned after it concluded). Also remember Joxer? The annoying dumb comic relief guy who everyone hated? Eve (as Livia) kills him. Really brutally. It’s awesome and he doesn’t come back to life unlike everyone else who dies.
#6 Natsuki Kuga/Kruger (Saeko Chiba) – Mai Hime/Mai Otome
(Note: In the original post, this was a separate blog because it is MASSIVE. Simply because it is the one character that I doubt ANYBODY has heard of. Warning: This is very long)
Oh boy. Probably the most traumatic character in history. Natsuki is a magical girl (Hime) who rides a super-motorbike, can materialise guns at will and summon a giant mechanical dog with cannons on his back; her “child”, named Duran (Probably a reference to “Hungry like the Wolf”. In the manga it briefly becomes a a two headed dog named Duran Duran). Himes use the love for someone they know (their “key”) to obtain these powers. The death of the key will cause them to lose their powers, and if the child dies in battle, their key will disappear. Natsuki seems to only have one friend (Shizuru Fujino) at the start of the series but as a main character, she eventually befriends the other mains (Mai and Mikoto) and she’s generally the withdrawn, serious character whose running jokes include boys accidentally seeing her naked and how she seems to be able to manipulate Shizuru into doing almost anything for her. Natsuki is driven to take revenge on scientists who murdered her mother (they wanted to study Natsuki’s magical abilities and she believes her mother died trying to protect her). However, it is revealed that her mother was actually trying to sell her into science, not protect her. When Natsuki finds out she loses all her powers (suggesting that somehow, her mother was her “key” despite being dead). She falls into depression made worse because she can’t see Duran. She’s captured by her nemesis (Nao Yuki) in her weakened state but is eventually saved by Shizuru, who also turns out to be a Hime. This is where the real trauma starts (as if learning the one reason for you to exist was a lie and the one person who you thought loved you actually was trying to sell you into slavery/death for personal gain wasn’t traumatic). It turns out that Natsuki is Shizuru’s key. Natsuki is freaked out, but then she realises that someone actually loves her, so the world isn’t so bad. However by this stage, Shizuru has gone crazy because other characters demonise her for being a lesbian and Natsuki was initially harshly rejecting of Shizuru’s feelings. She kills two other Himes (Nao and a lesbo-hime who was spying on them) and the entire First District (the scientific organisation). Natsuki regains her powers and runs off to help Mai in the final fight. However, Shizuru misunderstands (because she’s gone crazy) and thinks that Natsuki is trying to escape so she attempts to kill Mai. Knowing that they are running out of time, Natsuki tells Mai to run off and save the world while she deals with Shizuru. Duran is summoned to fend off Kiyohime (Shizuru’s child, a giant squid-hydra monster thing). Duran appears as about 20 times his usual size because Natsuki finally realised her feelings and thus achieves her full power. Unfortunately Shizuru thinks that it is the hate Natsuki has for her, not love, that has returned her powers. Shizuru and Natsuki basically have mental breakdowns because they don’t want to fight each other but both think that they have to. Shizuru gets to upper hand, using her Voulge/chain thing to trap and hug Natsuki goodbye as she’s about to kill her. However, Natsuki kisses her and says that she is sorry that her life was dedicated to revenge and she couldn’t realise her feelings before it was too late. She tells Shizuru that she loves her, but she is too fucked up to have romantic emotions and that Shizuru’s feelings for her saved her from her depression and gave her life meaning again. Natsuki then tells Duran to blow himself and Kiyohime up, causing both of the girls to disappear in each others arms (because they are each others keys, if you forgot that part). I encourage everyone to watch this series and won’t spoil the final ending (These are only the events up until the last episode…
(There are some good youtube videos of the final fight between the girls)
In Mai Otome, the vaguely familiar alternate universe pseudo-sequel thing. Natsuki and Shizuru are established as being in an exclusive relationship. Nothing all that bad happens to them (compared to the above) and it is almost as though they are given the relationship that Mai Hime tore from them with it’s brutal, unforgiving claws.
#7 Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley) – Absolutely Fabulous (fuck that. It’s called Ab Fab).
Everyone.
Wants.
To.
Be.
Patsy.
This doesn’t mean that we want to be women or transgender or anything (although some of us may, whatever floats/lubes/wets your boat/tube/pet). It just means that everyone wants to be Patsy. Originally I had Karen Walker from Will and Grace in this position but then I realised that she is just a tame (slightly plagiarised?) version of Patsy. I could have both characters but that’s boring and would mean I would have less space to talk about lesbians in anime (Anyone notice that Natsuki and Michiru also LOOK rather similar, although Natsuki has more of Haruka’s personality). THERE I GO AGAIN TALKING ABOUT THE ANIME LESBIANS INSTEAD OF PATSY.
Those who do not know Ab Fab, or Patsy may be wondering why it is that they would want to be her (because you do, you just don’t know it yet). Let me explain, you doubtful few.
1. Patsy is an awesome alcoholic druggy middle aged woman.
The End.
“BIG DEAL!” you shout, “EVERYONE IS!” you scream.
No. There is only one, true, alcoholic. It is Patsy. Patsy probably drinks Karen Walker’s blood as an appetiser for her alcohol filled main course. She made being a classic, rich, drunken bitch the dream career choice for so many people. She made those of us who can only ingest something if it has a drug in it not feel alone. She is probably the funniest character ever to grace the TV.
If that doesn’t convince you, then look at this picture and be overcome. The rest of us already know and will joyously welcome you to the side of the enlightened.
PS: I fucking love Karen Walken/Megan Mullally but she’s just not Patsy.
#8 Turanga Leela (Katey Sagal) – Futurama
My favourite character in this epic, epic show (even those of you who hate the word epic must admit that Futurama deserves such a title). Why is she my favourite? Is it because deep down (slash also on the surface) I’m a big fat lesbian who instantly likes the butt-kicking female characters? Probably. Although if Zoidburg was more of a main character he’d probably clinch the #1 spot. Leela is amazing because of her one eye/mutant background. Despite the setting of a more egalitarian society (although it is still rather Patriarchal) the show pretty much uses her as a metaphor for women in our time struggling to succeed in a man’s word. Except replace “man” with “human” and “woman” with “mutant”. The challenges Leela faces both as basically the only female space captain/educated female on the show (except guest appearances and a couple of the Aliens), with her femininity (the “rivalry with Amy”) and with being a one eyed mutant freak are the most interesting stories and she has some great moments in the “funny” category, too (although not consistently the funniest character). She’s a great “straight man” (in the trope sense, setting up jokes for Bender and Fry. Actual “straight men” are pretty much the opposite of “gay women” and thus my least favourite thing ever) and it is through her that we are introduced to Nibbler and the Niblonians, whose appearances are some of the greatest parts of the show.
Plus it is great when she kicks people in the face.
#9 Gwen Cooper (Eve Myles) – Torchwood
Ahahahahaha. She’s Welsh. Gwen is “the new girl” the one that “we identify with” as she is introduced to the secret organisation and truth about aliens .etc at the same rate that we are. Normally I hate this character. Normally they’re stupid. Normally they’re annoying. Normally they aren’t Gwen Cooper. In the two main seasons she does ONE stupid thing (near the end of the second season) and it is deliberately put in because she was coming across as too perfect. This isn’t to say that she doesn’t have flaws and weaknesses, she does. She’s a perfectly rounded character. What she DOESN’T do is anything that makes us think “OH FUCKING HELL GWEN OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE A MOLE”. She makes honest mistakes, normally based around having compassion and a positive attitude. She cheats on her boyfriend (who kinda cops all kinds of shit) but it is for a justifiable reason (unless you’re one of those hyper-monogamy freaks who thinks all cheaters need to die). Gwen brings an interesting element to the show and is pretty adorable. She works well with the main characters and is almost the only character I can think of in a sci-fi scenario that pulls of benevolence and kickass without being either a crazy, a fanatic for their given cause or both or worse. Gwen proves that Torchwood is more than a massive HoYay! wankfest (although the show is pretty good for that, too). I wish every police officer was Gwen. Then the world would be a lot safer/sexier.
#10 Xena Warrior Princess (Lucy Lawless) – Xena Warrior Princess (fuck Hercules)
Yeah. Like I wasn’t going to put fucking Xena in. I wasted wisely spent many many many coffee fueled hours watching episode after episode of this show and it wasn’t because I was waiting for Callisto’s occasional AMAZING appearance. It was because Lucy Lawless is so. Fucking. Amazing. I could do a top 20 (with as much text per entry as this) of amazing things Xena does (future blog??). She’s just so. Fucking. Cool, guys!! The show is one of those that takes itself too seriously AND is a parody of itself at the same time. Things get mega cool for the actress as Lucy Lawless has about 10+ various characters within the series (and even more if you count the times Xena is under the influence of various spells/drugs/curses/A DAY IN THE LIFE (the best episode?)) and she is amazing every time. Lucy Lawless is a fucking amazing singer, too and the two musical episodes are basically carried by her (BTW the musical episodes. oh my god guys. The musical episodes. oh my god.).
However, the absolute highlight of this character didn’t even come from a Lucy Lawless performance. There’s one very very memorable episode that would be high on the list of showing people if you wanted to introduce the “classic” show (Seasons 1-3, before too much magic and time travel and Gabrielle as a kickass fighter and PreggoXena and rushed episodes and soulmate stuff happened).
Notice how I am building suspence because this is basically the last main part of this blog…
THERE IS AN ACTUAL EPISODE (I think even 2?) WHERE XENA AND CALLISTO SWAP BODIES SO HUDSON LEICK PLAYS XENA AND LUCY LAWLESS PLAYS CALLISTO AND IT IS SO FUCKING AMAZING.
The final list (if you forgot)
1 Willow Rosenburg (Lesbian)
2 Temperance Brennan
3 Sailor Neptune (Lesbian)
4 Jenny Schecter (Lesbian)
5 Callisto/Eve (Possibly/probably a Lesbian)
6 Natsuki Kuga (slash kindof Shizuru because I gushed out a massive post here) (Lesbian)
7 Patsy Stone
8 Turanga Leela
9 Gwen Cooper
10 Xena (Lesbian)
Obvious exclusions from the list:
TARA. (From Buffy)
Karen Walker (although I explained why)
Brenda Walsh from 90210 (so Bec doesn’t murder me)
I have not watched enough House or Gay’s Anatomy to feel justified in putting those characters in here. Otherwise Addison and Thirteen would totally be on the list.
Also Xena, Callisto but no Gabrielle? Can you even do that? Isn’t it against the laws of physics?
Yes, but I didn’t want 3/10 characters to be from Xena… boring! Same reason why I didn’t have Haruka/Sailor Uranus or Angela Montenegro (Bones) or Toshiko Sato (Torchwood).
STARBUCK? WHERE THE FUCK IS STARBUCK?
I know. I should have put her in. I really should have. I just haven’t quite finished Battlestar yet and what happens if she turns out to be a pussy mole? WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
Dr Helen Magnus? Amanda Tapping is amazing?
Yeah… but that show is a direct and blatant ripoff of Torchwood. I don’t care if it is “better” just because some people refuse to let Stargate die. Aleesha.
I could go on for some time with the list of exclusions, but that would detract from the 10 “winners”.
Anyway. Horray/HoYay. I have finished the women. Now onto the men. Who, lets face it, have a far larger selection pool than “alcoholic fabulous bitch, kickass lesbian, lesbian bitch, kickass bitch, kickass lesbian bitch”
PS: There are no more lesbians in the list, but there will be ladyboys who are nearly as good?
