On Video Games

This was supposed to be the first 5 male characters in my TV show blog but my housemate has a ladyfriend over and she’s sleeping on my notebook.

So I have written, instead, about the 5 SIX video games that I played the most (and why!).

To make things fun, I compiled a shortlist of games that I played A LOT and you guys can try to guess which 5 I picked! (Notice: Obviously, given that I play heaps of video games, I have no listed every single one. Instead, I listed all main ones that I can remember being OBSESSED from as young as I can remember).

Warning. If you are not a gamer. Or if you like FPS heaps then you will probably find this blog very, very boring.

• SHORTLIST, EVERYONE:
• King’s Quest I
• King’s Quest II
• King’s Quest III
• King’s Quest IV
• King’s Quest V
• King’s Quest VI
• King’s Quest VII
• Space Quest III
• Wing Commander: Privateer
• Tomb Raider III: The Adventures of Lara Croft
• Command and Conquer
• Command and Conquer: Red Alert
• Command and Conquer: Tiberian Sun
• Baldur’s Gate
• Baldur’s Gate II
• Neverwinter Nights
• Neverwinter Nights II
• Starcraft
• Warcraft
• Warcraft II
• Warcraft III
• Diablo
• Diablo II
• Civilization II: The Test of Time
• Civilization IV
• Donkey Kong Country
• Super Mario 64
• Paper Mario
• Super Mario Kart
• Super Mario Galaxy
• Super Mario Sunshine
• Mario Kart 64
• The Legend of Zelda
• The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
• The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
• The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
• The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker
• The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
• The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind
• The Sims 2
• Super Smash Bros
• Super Smash Bros: Melee
• Super Smash Bros: Brawl
• Pokemon

THE WINNERS!!!

#6 (ooh counting DOWN. Exciting)

Warcraft III

Ok wow. I am pretty sure that this is one of the best RTS (Real Time Strategy, keep up, gosh!) games ever created for someone like me. This is because, unlike most RTS, it incorporates elements of roleplaying. Now, as you may see from the above list, I played basically EVERY game in the star/warcraft series and they are all amazing (Starcraft omfg). However, Warcraft III, being the most recent (the series died when it went MMORPG. Yup. I’m a hater because I liked the series BEFORE it was cool (HTBAPA: 005 or something probably).), was possibly the best. The only reason it beats starcraft, which is infinitely better in the actual core RTS way, is that the story is slightly better (because it is The Lord of The Rings/The Simarillion) more ENGAGING. Basically there are 7 scenarios, including the expansion, with about 13 missions each (then there is the 100% RPG Orc Expansion Campaign omfg jizz).

In these scenarios, while gathering resources and building an army .etc, you also have the hero units who are the main characters of the plot (this was the same in Starcraft, which had better heros like Kerrigan and Felix).These heroes were basically overpowered commanders of you army who would level up, learn new abilities, and be able to use items AND they could be resurrected if they died in gameplay-battle (but not if they died in a Cinematic Sequence. RULES OF VIDEOGAMES OBVIOUSLY). In Starcraft they were only slightly stronger versions of normal units that would die very quickly if you actually tried to use them very much so they were basically useless because you lost the game if they died, which made them more annoying than cool.

Anyway, on basically every map, there were secret places that you wanted your hero to explore to level up/find items while your base was doing the exact same thing it had done in previous encounters, except with maybe a few new technologies. Then about 2-3 times (depending on who you were playing) per scenario, there would be hero/small non-replaceable army only missions (in caves or inside your town or something), where your hero wasn’t allowed to die and it was basically a D&D Dungeon Crawl. The Blood Elf campaign was pretty much all this and no regular missions. There were also hidden references to basically everything you could imagine.

The final reason why this game was so good was because of the really dynamic and easy World Builder. It meant that super smart people could make amazing scenarios/quests/Dungeon Crawls themselves, and I played some pretty fucking good ones.

#5

Super Mario Galaxy

Jesus christ. Mario has literally gone from strength to strength. Remember in 64 when it was first 3D and you just thought “what. the. fuck” and it was full of memorable levels and you couldn’t WAIT to find the secret hats or unlock the next star door? Then Sunshine came along on gamecube and was even better with some of the best levels and greatest puzzles ever! It was also so smooth and pretty that I nearly cried. Super Mario Galaxy was just phenomenal. There is literally everything you could possibly imagine, from totally outer space levels with fucked up gravity to classic (as in 64/Sunshine) style levels that were just a big place where you had to search around everywhere to find out wtf to actually do. Then there were like a billion secrets per level and all sorts of random/awesome places hidden away randomly.

THEN. WHEN YOU WON. YOU GOT TO PLAY AS LUIGI. HOLY FUCKING WOW.

Best. Platformer. Ever. Hands down. It never felt like a chore to collect all the random crap (the end of 64, especially that fucking clock level) and the story was good, without being overbearing (Sunshine). The only disappointment is that, in 64, you could get most of the stars at any point. They’d always be sitting there, behind gates or just out of you reach and often, by accident, you would get one that you weren’t supposed to be looking for, but it didn’t matter. That was unique to that game and made it mega-fun.

Still Galaxy, overall, jizzfest of amazing proportions.

#4

The Sims 2

HAHAHAHAHAHA Laugh it up. Just because I like controlling peoples lives and creating Sims of people that I hate and killing them or creating Sims of hot people and making me/my friends make out with them DOESN’T MEAN I’M CRAZY. This game is so addictive. I’m pretty sure I made my Sims study at university while I should have been studying for university. Then made them get jobs when I should have been working. Then made them go out to clubs instead of going out myself. The made them buy a dog when I should have been looking after my own dog. Then made them hook up instead of cruising for sex myself. Pretty much anything you could make your Sims do in the game, I neglected to do myself. (Other examples: Sleep, eat, shower, pay bills, get groceries, talk to friends .etc). I think the only thing that I did was go to the toilet, and I would always hold out for as long as possible, then RUN there and back.

This game ruins lives, people.

It really does.

Keep Sims 3 away from me. I don’t need more things and improved ways to ruin my own life.

#3

Civilisation IV

Currently the game I seem to be playing the most of. Quite like it’s predecessor Civ II, which I wasted my youth mastering. For those of you who do not know what this is, it is pretty much the most in depth turn based strategy game ever. Imagine being on earth, at the dawn of the human race, building your first city, growing an ancient empire, becoming a power in the known world, colonising uncharted lands, defending your turf from barbarian hoardes, subjugating your lesser rivals, finding new ways to secure your power, bickering over resources, fighting (or bearing witness to) the equivalent of every major war in known history, including ones that haven’t happened yet.

Right up until the year 2020 AD, JESUS CHRIST THAT’S LIKE 10 000 YEARS.

It includes religion, culture, famous people who helped shaped societies, ancient, medieval, classical, industrial and modern wonders of the world (including ones that were destroyed but we still know about). You control everything about your all cities, individually, will they be mostly farmers, artist, scientists, religious fanatics, engineers? Will they try to be the most productive, or be able to support the most citizens? Then you can control the general feel of your civilization, too; are you a democratic, environmental society where everyone is free to choose their own religion and speak their mind? Or will you be a despotic, slave driver who believes in only one true religion and refuses to deal with the outside world? What about a socialist state with an obvious working class and monarchy that doesn’t believe in war at all? Mix up what works best for your current situation. Fuck it’s amazing.

Plus you can win in so many ways. The most basic is to build a massive army and crush all your rivals (which is very hard to do), or win in 2020 AD for having the largest score (normally the ‘real’ way you win with your armies because you’ve taken over the most area and have a fuckton of productive cities). OR you can ignore an army altogether and try to create such legendary cities that your culture will endure forever. How about making everyone like you, in secret, so they all simply vote for you to win, without realising that everyone else is doing the same (you need pretty high vote percentages so this can be tricky unless you’re sneaky)? What about mixing it up by building an army, forcing your enemies to be vassal states of your empire, then commanding they vote for you to win or you’ll kill them? Finally, often the most fun, you can build a fucking Intergalatic Space Ship and be the first person to land of Alpha Centuri. Winning instantly because you’re a fucking intergalactic civilisation and those other losers are stuck on earth.

Just before I leave. There’s about 234957340967349 possible civilisations to play as, each with their own strengths and weaknesses based on history. THEN choose which leader of the civilisation you will have, giving your further bonuses to their historic characteristics

(Example: Winston Churchill is charismatic, making your people happier, whereas Queen Victoria is geared towards building the biggest empire in history. Plus England’s special unit means they will absolutely dominate in the industrial period, challenged only by Russia, whereas Germany or the USA will be geared to controlling the 20th Century, however all these teams need to first get through being vulnerable to Egyptian War Chariots or Roman Praetorians or the Byzantine Cataphracts or Persian Immortals or Aztec Jungle Warriors or Spanish Conquistadors .etc HOWEVER the Dutch and Portuguese will spend a long time dominating the seas, too, so watch out!!)

It is so fucking dynamic, and open ended for a strategy game. It’s fucking amazing.

#2

The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind

Jesus christ. Hours I have spent playing Morrowind: on average maybe 5 hours per day for 2 years = 3650 hours.

OK so probably not quite that many, but still.

For those of you who do not know how The Elder Scrolls series works, I will briefly explain.

You start out as a loser who can’t do shit all that is specially, normally a prisoner for some reason, and get freed by some Deus Ex Machina. By luck, you get send on some errand or something and end up being embroiled in saving the world. Then you do. Then you’re a hero. The end. Classic RPG plot/fantasy setting/leveling up.

BUT IT IS NOT THAT SIMPLE, GUYS.

Firstly, you can be anyone. Your past is completely unknown and you basically create a life for yourself. You can be the cliche warrior of justice or mage who just wants to study or vagabond rogue who takes advantage of what comes along. Or you can mix it up and do whatever you like. Your character can basically choose any abilities and there are no penalties, like want to be a mage who wears heavy battle armour and can use a massive fucking axe. You can totally do that. Or a fighter who can use any weapon but can also shoot fireballs if he wants. Sure thing! How about a thief that can turn himself invisible and use magic to manipulate people and then pull a warhammer the size of himself out and smack the guard trying to arrest him for 6 (slash a home run if you are not a cricket person). The character I played wasn’t quite so dynamic because, at the time I didn’t know.

What’s amazing is that there is no obvious, overpowered skill. Even the “talking to people” ones aren’t shit because the world is FULL of people who you can get stuff from if you have a silver tongue. Also you are under no obligation to even complete your initial errand once you are freed from jail. You can do whatever that fuck you want, and there is SO much to do. It is actually stupid to do the main quest because then you miss out on so much amazing shit. You can go anywhere and do anything you want. Think you’re up to walking right up the the Emperor in the middle of the day in front of all the guards and citizens and executing him? YOU TOTALLY CAN. You will probably die very quickly unless you’re very cunning. BUT YOU CAN.

Not to mention, at the start, you are just an ordinary peasant. If you see a wolf, chances are it will eat you and you’ll be fucked. Try to break into a warehouse? The guards are going to see you and stab you because you will have no idea what the hell you’re doing. Learn to cast a tiny fireball and be tired for hours. Something that only the original Baldur’s Gate seems to match (from memory).

At the moment I have just started Oblivion (Elder Scrolls IV) and it seems to be just as good, but with better graphics and voices! I need to make sure I only play this responsibly though or I am pretty sure I will be homeless/jobless/boyfriendless pretty fucking quickly. I am so excited!!

The classic, D&D based games (Baldur’s Gate/Neverwinter Nights), while very good, are so dull and linear in comparison.

#1

The Legend of Zelda (holy fuck which one do I pick): THEM ALL.

You cannot pick one Zelda game.

They are as one.

They are the best thing ever made.

They are the greatest experience ever.

They are a platformer, an RPG, and a unique genre known only as “Zelda”, rolled into one.

Each game is unique but also the same.

The early Zeldas were straightforward but dynamic and amazing. They were challenging and clever and so fucking addictive. You just went from temple to temple, finding a new item that would let you succeed after a series of puzzles and challenging monsters. The item usually meant a new STYLE of puzzle would become available and new paths would open ALL over the world.

This core value has remained unchanged.

Then. Somewhere, someone had the idea to make The Ocarina of Time.

This shit should be in the bible instead of the book of genesis.

That game. Was/IS amazing. Everyone has either played this game and KNOWS or just simply does not know what the perfect video game is.

I just can’t even describe it because I would miss things out. I can’t do it justice so I won’t even try.

All I can say is, my generation is defined by this game. I can make jokes about Ruto being a whore, or the TRIFORCE OF POWER or how I need to find the sages, or how milk is live saving juice or how I sing Epona’s Song whenever I see cows because I want them to talk to me or WHATEVER.

Then there is Majora’s Mask. Which many people are undecided about. It uses the same graphics as the ocarina of time and it kills the ocarina of time story and puts you in another dimension right at the start. You just want to go back to Hyrule and meet Zelda and have everything be OK. It just never happens and many people hate that.

However, Majora’s Mask is so in depth, so clever, so creative that, in a way, it also redefined video games.

It had a system of day and night over three days (which reset quite frequently due to plot) and the characters would do the same thing every day. So you could track their movements and solve subplots based on knowing what they were going to do/where they were going to be. CLEVER!

It was so cute and so touching that in so many ways it was better than its predecessor.

Then came Wind Waker aka HOLY FUCK THE GAME THAT NEVER ENDS.

At every turn you think “OK this is probably the last bit”, I’ve been playing for AGES and you think that OVER and OVER and it keeps going and then you think back at the first time you thought that and it’s like JESUS FUCK THIS GAME HAS SO MUCH TO DO.

Then you explore every single little island or reef or base because it is so inviting and then you realise that you pretty much HAVE to, to win the game and you just think “holy shit”. It’s not even as though they made the extras/secrets part of the main quest. There are BILLIONS of those, too.

Good luck trying to finish everything. I never could in a billion years.

Twilight Princess.

Twilight.

Actual.

Princess.

Actually.

Best.

Can’t.

Two.

Hookshots.

TWO.

…

.

dsjkghsd

THE END. THANKS FOR READING MY BORING RANT ABOUT AMAZING VIDEO GAMES!!!